Tag Archives: Weird Shit

Japan: Makers of the Japanese Zero, Ion Cannons Part 2

I have no idea what this is.....

....or where the fuck it came from

I write about Ion Cannons and strange devices appear in my kitchen.

I’m not sure what the hell is going on. It looks like something from Duck Tales has just invaded my life from out of the blue.

Lifting the top, I find eggs.

If I ate eggs, this would make sense.

If I didn’t possess the ability to put eggs in a pot of boiling water  and cook them, it would make sense.

If this machine made eggs faster than boiling them in a pot, this would make sense.

As it stands, none of these are true, creepy Duck Tales machine has appeared as if to defy my previous posts.

I have no idea why it’s appearing in my house, although I pin the blame on an eccentric future mother in law who often makes strange objects appear in the house.

I’ve seen “Batteries Not Included” and I know how this story ends. I don’t need eggs and I don’t need ion cannons.

It’s on, wacky Japanese inventions, machines, and robots.

I’m done with you appearing in my life, making creepy sounds, and telling me how to do things (I’m looking at you, GPS lady).

This is war….

Japan: Maker of the Japanese Zero, Ion Cannons

Hoth Ion Cannon

Star Wars Ion Cannon...

“Did I just buy you a fucking Ion Cannon?”

I looked at the object I’d just paid ¥20,000 for as she removed it from the box, a volleyball-sized  glossy white sphere, resting on a swiveling base, with some kind of protruding nozzle aiming defensively at the sky.

She smiled as she began toying with it, thanking me for the birthday present. “It’s a Nanoe.” She beamed as she ejected the small internal cylinder like someone who knows here way around an ion cannon and began filling it with liquid. After finishing, she reinserted the cylinder into the sphere, causing a clicking sound similar to popping an ammo cartridge into a gun.

“What did you fill it with?”

She gave me a quizzical glance like I’m supposed to know the load-out procedures for warming up intergalactic weapons. “Ionized Water…”

Panasonic Nanoe EHSA-41

....meet Japanese Ion Cannon

I nodded my head as the realization dawned on me. “Right, of course, that makes sense…”

She picked it up and set it on the shelf next to our bed, the nozzle pointing skyward to deter any would-be attackers. As she pressed the button the device warmed up and hummed to life, casting some ominous blue lights on the ceiling.

With her eyes casting heart shapes at her new space laser, she motioned for me to join her in the bed, a look of satisfaction and happiness upon her face, the ion cannon ready to protect us throughout the night.

Hours later, as the creepy blue lights and ominous machinations of the machine continued, sounding earily like Darth Vader, I still had no concrete idea of what exactly I’d bought my her.

Weeks later, as it sits here by me now, buzzing, clicking and humming along with a million other technological creations that I fail to understand I come to a final realization:

I could probably go on the internet and solve my query, perhaps even get some kind of explanation from the girl. In truth though, it’s fun not knowing what that ion cannon actually does. I come from America and I know goddamn well that someone’s gonna sue the shit out of me when I blow up their Star Destroyer and it’s a far better tactic to feign ignorance.

Also: Japanese people like some weird-ass shit, but ya’already knew that, didn’tcha?

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