Tag Archives: Weird Japan

Japan: Maker of the Japanese Zero, Ion Cannons

Hoth Ion Cannon

Star Wars Ion Cannon...

“Did I just buy you a fucking Ion Cannon?”

I looked at the object I’d just paid ¥20,000 for as she removed it from the box, a volleyball-sized  glossy white sphere, resting on a swiveling base, with some kind of protruding nozzle aiming defensively at the sky.

She smiled as she began toying with it, thanking me for the birthday present. “It’s a Nanoe.” She beamed as she ejected the small internal cylinder like someone who knows here way around an ion cannon and began filling it with liquid. After finishing, she reinserted the cylinder into the sphere, causing a clicking sound similar to popping an ammo cartridge into a gun.

“What did you fill it with?”

She gave me a quizzical glance like I’m supposed to know the load-out procedures for warming up intergalactic weapons. “Ionized Water…”

Panasonic Nanoe EHSA-41

....meet Japanese Ion Cannon

I nodded my head as the realization dawned on me. “Right, of course, that makes sense…”

She picked it up and set it on the shelf next to our bed, the nozzle pointing skyward to deter any would-be attackers. As she pressed the button the device warmed up and hummed to life, casting some ominous blue lights on the ceiling.

With her eyes casting heart shapes at her new space laser, she motioned for me to join her in the bed, a look of satisfaction and happiness upon her face, the ion cannon ready to protect us throughout the night.

Hours later, as the creepy blue lights and ominous machinations of the machine continued, sounding earily like Darth Vader, I still had no concrete idea of what exactly I’d bought my her.

Weeks later, as it sits here by me now, buzzing, clicking and humming along with a million other technological creations that I fail to understand I come to a final realization:

I could probably go on the internet and solve my query, perhaps even get some kind of explanation from the girl. In truth though, it’s fun not knowing what that ion cannon actually does. I come from America and I know goddamn well that someone’s gonna sue the shit out of me when I blow up their Star Destroyer and it’s a far better tactic to feign ignorance.

Also: Japanese people like some weird-ass shit, but ya’already knew that, didn’tcha?

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Weird Stuff Japan Loves (Volume One: Celebrity Edition)

Japan’s an isolated island nation with a mind all its own. When you come to these shores, you’re bound to find that people revel in charging ahead against the rest of the universe, like salmon swimming up a river.

This leads to some pretty wacky shit.

While the rest of the worldenjoys a picturesque stroll under a romantic sunset, they climb to the top of Mt. Fuji with vim and vigor to bask in the glow of an early sunrise.

They do things their way…

And so I introduce to you, Weird Stuff Japan Likes.

Today, let’s look at a few of the foreign celebrities that have made it to the shores of bizarro land. These are the folks that people go absolutely apeshit insane over when they arrive at Narita airport:

Harry Potter

harrypotterguy

I don’t use his real name, because no one here knows it here. If you ask a student about Harry Potter, their eyes will glow with creepy childlike sexual desire, but they’ll lack all ability to actually separate reality from a fictional movie about a boy who plays with his broom handle too much.

The movie recently premiered in Japan, and with good reason. The books have done gangbusters here and are translated about as fast as you can churn them out, and the movies have filled theaters with viewers.

Hordes of followers eagerly awaited his arrival at the airport and world premier in Tokyo.

Take a moment to look at the picture above.

Take a good, long look at it. Soak it in, bask in his…

His…

His resemblance to a real life Gollum?

Is this not one of the ugliest people whose ever managed to become famous?

What the fuck is wrong with his hair? If he’s playing “Lenny” in some new take on “Of Mice and Men,” I can totally support this retarded haircut.

It looks like his blind mother dresses him and he’s been hanging out beyond the realm of sunlight for the past 300 years.

This is what causes Japanese girls to cream their pants?

Orlando Bloom

legolas

Ok, you got me, I can at least imagine Bloom as a sex symbol. While searching for pictures, I came across tons of shirtless pictures of him posturing for the camera, and while I didn’t exactly get wood, he’s not exactly ugly, especially when compared to the mess mentioned above him.

At least Japanese people know his name.

Bloom has showered the covers of the various movie and entertainment magazines in Japan for some time. He’s immensely popular. If you look at a year’s worth of movie mags from Japan, he’ll probably be on the cover of about half of them (It’s a constant Bloom to Depp rotation).

He’s also a fucking plank of wood.

There aren’t many actors who can bring a movie to a blank, useless black hole of nothingness.  His vanilla ability to defuse the screen nearly sucked down the immensely fun and silly Pirates movies, even with Johnny Depp lighting things up like a Depp on steroids.

Even as an elf in the Hobbit movies,  he only just managed to pull of a role as a disengaged and distant, mostly emotionless elf, because he’s totally disengaged, distant, and obviously unable to display any form of emotion on the screen.

To save money, they actually could have put a blonde wig on a 2×4.

My students love this guy. Depp gets some good props in Japan and hits the mags too, and he’s obviously won most of the world’s hearts too, but from student opinions and recognition, elf-plank triumphs.

That’s two elves…

What could possibly be next?

Michael Jackson

creepy_jackson

May I present the King of Elves?

He’s dead now, so he probably won’t be haunting any Japanese airports anytime soon, but in these final years, Japan was one of the last places where he could seek comfortable refuge among hordes of adoring fans.

His best hits album, recently released here, was picked up by a ton of folks I know. I hadn’t even known there was a release (and I don’t think there was one in America).

Japan’s the one place where as he got weirder, more elfin, more childlike, and less black, they seemed to embrace him even more.

When he died, Japan was one of the places hit hardest.

His childlike demeanor and life living in an amusement park seemed to endear him more to the people of Japan. Unlike America, they could mostly overlook that whole “diddling kids” stuff.

We’re three for three on elves.

Apparently, Japan loves the elf-men.

I gotta ask, what do you have against actual men?

When I first met my girlfriend, she didn’t immediately like me. She said it was because I was too manly and strong. Eventually, I guess she warmed up to me, as it’s now been a few years and she seems to like guys that can grow beards and can fill out a tee-shirt without looking like a bag of bones.

Honestly, what’s with fay men that could pass for women or aliens? I’ve had women go on for ages about how Brad Pitt wasn’t all that attractive to them here, but Harry Potter lights up their eternal flames of desire?

It’s just weird…

…and that’s Japan.

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