Tag Archives: Politics

I Vow to Ride This Shitty White Whale into the Ground

I stand here before you today as the newly elected Prime Minister of Japan. I’m not sure how this actually happened. The other day I was pissing off South Korea, taking a non-Japanese war criminal stance even though I once thought they were kinda/maybe war criminals, and before that, I was doing a pretty ho-hum job as a finance minister, mostly just coming away with a well arranged pencil case and a big pile of potentially important paperwork I never finished.

If I had to describe myself as an ice cream flavor, I’d pick vanilla. Vanilla doesn’t scare anyone. It’s not threatening. I’m not going to jumble your senses. I’m not going to stir the pot. I’m just going to keep on being vanilla. Don’t think there will be any real vanilla beans in me either. That would be overpowering. I’m just regular vanilla, made with fake vanilla flavoring, the way Japan likes it.

I guess I got this job because people hate Ozawa. He’s more of a mint ice cream with peanut butter chunks. The public is always interested in his outlandishness, but his flavor is so divisive and repulsive that they fear actually trying him. He could also be Neopolitan, but only after the vanilla is gone. Neopolitan ice cream is weird. Americans like that kind of ice cream, but to me, it offers too many choices and ideas and an unbalanced mix of tastes.

I promise to just phone things in here, and ride the status quo like those before me.  Judging from the 1970s-era microphone array in front of me, the public wants Japan moving backwards. As such, I’m happy to oblige.

I may or may not have my hand in various tills. Who really knows, right?

I vow to ride this shitty white whale of an economy and a nuclear disaster into the ground. Whales can’t live on the ground. Then we can either eat it or not eat it, depending on what you think would be best, because again, I wouldn’t want to stir the pot with any wild decisions.

Thank You,

Yoshihiko Noda


PS: Not only am I boring, but I look like a mudfish or an eel! Use that endlessly in articles on me!!!







An Intricate Look into the Mind of a Japanese Politician (AKA: You Spin Me Right Round Baby, Right Round, Like a Record, Baby, Right Round, Right Round)

Japanese Political Decision Making Wheel

When Arrow Lands Between Sectors, Take Limo to Park, Lure Homeless Man into Limo, Clean Him Up, Secretly Trade Lives (click to zoom)

Japan Ain’t All Hello Kitty: A Government Beyond Change?

If you like the kind of leader you'd find idling around a convenience store looking at porno mags....you'll love Japan

If you like the kind of leader you'd find idling around a convenience store looking at porno mags....you'll love Japanese Politics

The Japanese government likes to lives in a little bubble world all their own. It’s as if they don’t realize that the choices and decisions they make influence an entire country of people under them.

Equally, most Japanese people have become disinterested  in the whole governmental process. They don’t seem to care who leads them, and realize that their government failed long ago They lack all hope for change and care little for politics.

While I enjoy my life in Japan, the good comes with a healthy dose of bad. Much of this bad comes from the political sphere.

Here’s the laundry list of a primer. I hope it encourages further exploration on the issues presented.

Hereditary Positions: The majority of lawmakers are able to hand down their positions to sons upon retirement.  If you thought the Bush, Clinton, and Kennedy dynasties were a problem in America, you’d go nuts here. According to the excellent article mentioned above, some 40% of the LDP benefits from this practice. With Japan’s strong sense of duty towards parents, grandparents, and so on, policies way past their prime are perpetuated via a sense of duty. People continue to vote for candidates because they recognize the name and the platform. Recent events to change this practice seem to have stalled out when politicians realized they wouldn’t be able to easily nominate their kids anymore.

Ministries of Uselessness: The former Health Minister calls women “baby-making machines,” the foreign ministry advocates sending schoolgirl stereotypes and french maid outfitted girls abroad to promote culture, and  with rampant resignations and even suicides, the various ministries exist in absolute chaos. The Prime Ministers quickly fire and change staff as their platforms sink and the PMs themselves flip yearly now so your time as a Minister of _____ is usually about as long as that of a Spinal Tap drummer.

Foreign Descendants: It’s a Xenophobic country in a global world. The recent economy has heightened peoples’ fears regarding outsiders. The government, in their shortsighted ignorance has decided to pay Latin American guest workers to leave the country and never return. These ‘guest workers’ are of Japanese descent, mostly Peruvians and Brazilians whose family lines comes from the Japanese who settled in those areas during Japan’s drive to expand. When they were finally allowed back in country in the 1990s, they found themselves limited to the most menial and dangerous jobs. Now they’re being primed to leave. Not only is this a horrible slight to people that share history and blood with Japan, but it’s a horribly shortsighted idea in a country where the workforce is shrinking drastically because of the falling birthrate.

Gaijin: For those of us without the luck of being a foreigner of Japanese descent, The Ministry of Justice is looking to take over management of the “Alien Registration Card” system, AKA: Gaijin Card to better watch for us pesky foreigners. The centralization of the process away from local governments will lead to a slew of new checks and balances, allowing for more monitoring of our whereabouts and changes. It seems like the country really doesn’t want anyone here.

Child Pornography: You can read my rant on this issue here, but needless to say, Japan’s current stance on child pornography laws is far below the International norm. This is somewhat disgusting, but because of partisan politics, the LDP and DPJ can’t even seem to agree on a bill to bring the laws up to standard. When a government is sitting around debating child pornography, it’s officially hit rock bottom.

Wartime Past: A huge problem with Japan is that they’ve adopted this extremely peaceful mentality, but have never actually come to grips with what happened in WW II. The country just collectively forgot the entire chapter. It’s as if a guy cheated on his gf, she found out, and he just told her “I’ll never do it again, let’s not talk about it any further.” The rest of the world is the gf, they’d like to talk it over are eagerly awaiting, lists in hand, to hear them. It shouldn’t take 67 years to apologize for the Bataan Death March. It’s great that you’ve adopted such a peaceful little world, but if you don’t accept what happened and educate people, history is bound to repeat itself.

Bridges to Nowhere: In America, a big issue of the recent campaign was Governor Palin’s ‘Bridge to Nowhere.” In Japan, everywhere is a bridge to nowhere. The Central Government’s big idea to keep the economy going is to constantly fund public works projects, no matter how useless. Driving through the countryside yields reinforced mountainsides, kilometers away from any forms of civilization, grand roads and tunnels that connect farming villages, and tetrapods covering the entire coastline. Local governments have become akin to beggars or perhaps even little mafias, grabbing money from their central daddy and inventing useless projects and inflating costs to skim money for other things. Congratulations, the whole country is run like a mafia!

No Clear Choice: I sometimes ask my students questions when things are bugging me. I’ve followed the two parties of Japan, the LDP and DPJ, for some time now. In all that time, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the difference. It just seems like a bunch of people that couldn’t hack it in the hierarchy broke away with the same platforms in order to be higher up in a new hierarchy with a different name. My students have failed to explain any differences to me as well. Some have said it’s like a choice between Coke and Pepsi. I’d say it’s more like a choice between last year’s Coca Cola can design and this year’s Coca Cola can.

Whales: I’m not anti-whaling at all. I’m not exactly pro-whaling either, but if you can find me some concrete examples of how whaling is an integral part of the culture, than so be it. From what I’ve seen in Japan, no one really likes the taste and the stockpile of whale meat is currently far outstripping demand to the point where the government has made overtures to the population to get more into eating the stuff so they can get rid of it and have better reason for killing more whales. Their entire platform on whaling seems to stand on others telling them they shouldn’t. Children also practice this annoying habit of doing the opposite of what’s suggested in the face of reason. You’re not children, you’re the government of the second most powerful economy in the world.

Indigenous/Captured People/Burakumin: The Diet only recently recognized the Ainu people as an indigenous people of the country. That’s progressive by Japanese standards. Korean-blooded people, many brought to Japan as laborers against their will or as slaves in past wars still lack the rights of normal Japanese citizens even though they’ve often lost complete connection to their original lands. Congrats, you just recognized the Ainu, refuse to recognize people that were brought here against their will, and won’t recognize Japanese people that settled in other lands. Also, people with past family histories of being leather workers or butchers still can’t get a good job. Awesome!

General Stupidity: Taro Aso is a moron who can’t even read. Listen, I come from a country that knows idiot leaders too, we can smell one of our own. The guy fails at reading Kanji, gaffes a mile a minute, comes from his little bubble land of hereditary politicians, and ran a family company that literally rode its way to the top on the backs of Korean workers and POWs. I could go on and on about him, but by and large, you could say this about everyone currently in the Japanese Government. They’re so backwards that they seem to exist solely to maintain their grips on the little political bubble world they live in. Any attempts to shatter it, via a modernization of the election process, fund-raising, or progressive laws are met with hostility, and again, more stupidity.

I hope you enjoyed this primer on some of the major issues currently plaguing the Japanese Government. It’s my hope that it’ll send folks off researching some of these topics in further detail.

For the record, I’m not really much of a grumpy hater, and I do enjoy my daily life in Japan. The country still manages to soldier on quite efficiently and if the gov has anything to do with train times, I applaud them.

What do yall think? What gets under your skin the most?

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Japan, You Sicken Me….

Japan: Still Cool with Gary Glitter & Friends

Japan: Still Cool with Gary Glitter & Friends

I love sitting around and scanning my favorite news sites before work on rainy weekday mornings.

So excuse me while my eyes pop out of my head when I read newsonjapan‘s link to Yomiuri quotes like “The Diet has begun debate on bills to revise the law banning child prostitution and child pornography” or “[The Current Law] does not forbid possession of child pornography for personal use

Wait, did you just use the word “debate” in the above sentence, cause I’m not really seeing a debate here.

Am I in the right country?

Listen, pornography in Japan is fucking bizarre. If you want to see girls picking through each others’ vomit, eels in vaginas, or intensely strange goo porn, this is the country for you.

I’m not a giant fan but I’m not a fucking Jesuit either. While prone to bouts of extreme wildness, when things get to the bedroom, I’m actually pretty happy with the old school shit.

Call me crazy.

It must be that Catholic upbringing that convinced me that sex was evil unless making babies (I got over that baggage pretty early in life). I don’t have to wear a wacky puppy costume to get off and I’d rather just get into the whole normal sex thing than bring out shackles and chains and whips.

At the end of the day, tying someone up’s just a bit too much of a hassle for me.

So I’ve come to the realization that Japan’s off the charts in that department. Whatever floats your boat, salaryman…

…to a fucking point.

Japan is not Thailand, India, or some other fucked up 2nd or 3rd world country that sells children into slavery so that sex tourists can get their jollies off on an epic sex tour. It’s a G8 country that should be holding itself to a higher standard than that.

So are you fucking kidding me? It’s legal to possess child pornography here as long as you’re just using it for yourself?

Both parties are submitting bills now, but there are major debates over bringing it up to international standards.

Am I truly living in the second most powerful economic nation in the world?

“”Given the spread of Internet services and the great amount of child pornography that is already in existence, the only option is to [completely] ban possession of pornographic images of children to prevent them from being distributed.”

Why thanks for that gem of knowledge, LDP member Yasuhiro Hanashi. Welcome to the 21st century, you stupid fuck.

I can’t believe there’s actually a government body that’s going to even have to vote on this.

It’s ok, just take deep breathes. I’m sure they’ll be able to get beyond partisan politics and have a perfectly rational vote. After all, it’s just a common sense bill that no one in their right mind would ever oppose…

“The DPJ opposes the LDP bill, which it claims would abruptly widen the scope of people subject to punishment.”


You’re opposing a bill that would ban the ownership and viewing of child pornography because you’re afraid of people who love child pornography would be unfairly punished?

Both parties have bills, but it seems that the DPJ is pretty happy with the status quo, just getting their own bill out there to rival the LDP’s bill.

Basically, I’m living in a country with a political partially partially supports the rights of pedophiles.

Japan, with your awesome new plan of sending sexy school girls abroad to increase tourism and publicly fighting over the rights of pedophiles, you’re making yourself look really awesome these days.


“Japan faced international criticism after it was discovered that a Japanese computer game in which players rape women and girls, make them pregnant and then force them to get abortions”

…and fuck you, seriously, fuck you.

And no doubt, this blog will appear to hordes of douchebag pedophiles searching the internet for child porn. If you’re reading this, fuck you too.

An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 2)

(Part 1 can be found here)


South Korea



A fairly rational form of protest...

A fairly rational form of protest...


South Korea is the twin brother of North Korea. While slightly less insane, he can often toss rational thought and common sense out the window just as easily.  He’s jealous of his older brother and sister’s successes and has little love for either his mother or his father. He compensates for this inferiority complex by lashing out, much like his twin brother, minus the intense paranoia.

South and North Korea have seen times of cooperation via their various attempts at trade agreements (which will probably remain mostly one way, unless communist hats become all the rage). Unfortunately, in this scenario, each sees the other as the more retarded brother. The North longs for the day it can unite (AKA: win the Korean War) with South Korea under its terms and the South wishes much of the same, but under their terms. They will continue to knock heads endlessly, to the point where they might both want to try on football helmets.

The fact that South Korea is aligned with the West marks them distrustful to the China/Russia/N. Korea block, and the fact that the Korean War has never actually ended doesn’t help to relieve any tensions on the issue.


The United States



Mommy always gets what she wants

Mommy always gets what she wants

The Unites States is mommy. Unfortunately, mommy is a bit of a whore, traveling around the world and finding herself in bed with most anyone and everyone. She had a brief fling with daddy (Russia, Part 1) about 60 years ago, but they haven’t gotten along much since. Both think they have the right to all their children and pretty much everything else in the world. Mommy gets along with the one twin and the middle sister mostly because they let mommy crash at their places whenever she’s out whoring. She gets pissed off that the others don’t do the same.


Calling North Korea part of ‘The Axis of Evil‘ really did no wonders in helping American relations with the rogue nation, but beyond increasing hatred on the part of North Koreans of America (something already seen as fairly strong anyway), the real issue still lies in some of the ties and past hatreds mentioned above. Russia and China are likely as sick of Kim Il-Jong as America is, but the need for a buffer between the West and their states trumps the sickening feeling that hits them whenever Il-Jong does something dumb. Dealing with their retard brother is stressful and time consuming, but worth it.

America can’t even fart in the general direction of  North Korea without the consent of Russia and China, something which isn’t so likely to happen, and if it was somehow possible to form a coalition between all these parties to pursue military action (highly unlikely with all these loose threads and hatreds from past conflicts and wars), the US military is not ready to open up a third front of warfare anyway. Her hands are tied.





I used to be somebody!

I used to be somebody!


Japan’s the middle sister. She hates her brothers and often pretends they’re not even related.  Many years ago she got sick of being ignored and struck it out on her own. She did fairly well until mommy came around and bitch-slapped her back down to earth, but she’s a tenacious one and she came back around from that. She managed to claw her way out beyond her retarded family, winning prom queen and beauty pageants galore. Unfortunately, today she’s more of a faded beauty queen, living off past glories. Her voice is deeper from all the booze and cigarettes and you could tell she was once a looker, but has kinda lost her luster. She still acts like a beauty queen though. She doesn’t like what her family’s up to, but lacks the power or care to really do anything about it, cause she’s a pussy (pun intended) and a dram queen.

As a resident of Japan, a tangible sense of fear can be felt whenever North Korea does much of anything, but these people  go balls deep apeshit over most any minor crisis. Paranoia would be an understatement. While they see the N.K. state as inferior, they’re not anywhere near making a move towards stopping them, due to the constraints of their constitution and a very peace-at-all-costs minded people.

Il-Jong sees no problem in stretching their peaceful nature to its limits, knowing that Japan will do little to stop him. He knows that firing missiles at South Korea is bound to start a war, but shooting missiles over Japan stirs little action.

While allied with the West, they can actually consider themselves under some amount of threat from North Korea. The majority of missiles fired and tests are shot in the direction (or over) Japan.

China and Russia may get antsy at the idea, but Japan seems like the only real country with a tangible gripe that could be considered more of a threat to their own security than any posturing by a Western nation to exert control of the region. It might be seen as acceptable, yet isolated enough to not reignite the Korean War.

Recent articles point to Japan both lifting its embargo on manufacturing weapons and considering preemptive strikes. Apparently they may be pondering the same thing.

If they consider such actions they might want to consider sending back some ears to Korea, taking the war criminals out of Yasukuni shrine, and striking some deals with Russia involving land to the north, as it seems any move on retarded little North Korea is bound to piss off someone in the family.

What do you all think about the situation over here?

An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 1)

At least they throw good parades...

At least they throw good parades...

(Part 2 can be found here)

Ah, North Korea, your retarded younger brother of a country. Whenever he doesn’t get what he wants he starts screaming and moaning and banging his head against the wall until you reach for his little padded football helmet, strap it on, and just let him go back to bashing his head on the wall…

Between China, Russia,  South Korea, the US, Japan and their retarded little bother, a football helmet has been the only real solution to the problem.

Why can we all just man up, get in there and beat that tard until he stops fucking around?

The same reason that you don’t go in and beat up your retarded little brother..because he’s family and there’s some amount of love in the current status quo…

Let’s look at this little dysfunctional family. I’ll start with the anti-Western countries:


Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Russia’s the deadbeat dad. He taught his little tard baby everything he knows, instilling in his son an intense hatred and paranoia of anyone and anything. When other family members mess with lil Kim, lil Kim throws a fit just like daddy would. He learned well from daddy, although he’s even come to the point of being paranoid of daddy too. Meanwhile, Daddy still thinks he’s on baby’s side, but he really hasn’t been around for years cause he’s a douchebag.

So while it appears that Russian influence in North Korea hasn’t fared as well as during Il-Sung’s time as a Russian puppet, possibly due to his even more useless and insane son, the simple fact that Russia maintains a border with Korea makes them somewhat wary of allowing the West to move in and claim it. In their mind, it might be better to have a rogue retarded baby in between them and the west than the actual West itself.

An example of this mentality can be found in Russia’s recent effots to kick the US miltary out of Kyrgyzstan, something my friend over at the France Press Bureau in Almaty, Kazakhstan tipped me off to (seeing hardly any Central Asian news makes it into the Western world.. .a shame really) over many bottles of Vodka. The loss of military bases in Central Asia is slowly hampering America’s ability to fight the war in Afghanistan, something Russia wouldn’t mind seeing, since they no-doubt remain bitter of their failures there as well as not wanting to see a new ‘democratic western nation’ (and I use that term loosely) opening up on their (also loosely, since Kyrgyzstan isn’t technically theirs) border. They get a bit antsy about former allies getting hot and heavy with America (See: Georgia)

They’d rather see a chaotic, terrorist state in that region than a stable, western-controlled country. I’d wager that this is probably a position that comes fairly close to their North Korean policy.


I so successfur and coor!

I so successfur and coor!

China’s the eldest brother. He never really got respect from either his daddy or his mommy. As such, he struck it out on his own. He’s a bit like his dad, but at the end of the day, they don’t much get along. He’s always been extremely protective of his retarded baby brother, ready to intervene whenever any of the family members try to deal with their baby.  He is extremely proud to have achieved so much without the help of his parents and likes to show it.

Since the Korean War, China has referred to their relationship with North Korea as like lips and teeth. Without the two functioning together in partnership, the act of speaking becomes near impossible. In reality, China has often seen itself as better than it’s little brother and during the Korean War, Kim Il-Sung was more likely to find himself at the feet of the Soviets begging for help than at the feet of the Chinese (See: The Coldest Winter, Halberstam).

Still, China has often played the role of ‘savoir’ to the Koreas, whether it be against the Japanese in the 1500s (or failed savior during the Sino-Japanese War in the late 1800s) or vs the Americans and South Koreans in the 1950s. Simply, having Korea there has always been a nice buffer zone for China, some distance between those Western barbarians and those raping and pillaging Japanese bastards.

North Korea

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!


North Korea has been wearing his little football helmet for over 50 years now. He doesn’t care about his father, mother, or brothers. He cares solely for himself and maintaining his most basic of needs. He’s dangerous. He’s a brain-damaged child with extremely sharp toys.

North Korea under Kim il-Jong has drifted towards the realm of complete insanity. Like other insane egomaniacs lucky enough to become dictators, he’s assumed complete control over everything in his country in order to fuel his own personal cult of personality. Beyond building the legend of himself, little else matters. Using millions of lives to fuel that legend is probably not out of the question. As the man borders the end of his life, one wonders what kind of grandiose plan he might wish to accomplish before his death.

That’s it for part one. Tune in tomorrow when I talk about mommy, the middle child, and the retarded baby’s twin brother…

(Part 2)