Tag Archives: Korea

Boggling the Mind with Verbs that Sometimes MoonLight as Nouns! (Hope! Change! Fuck!)

Who gives a fuck about Japan? This Guy!

Who gives a fuck about Japan? This Guy!

While I sit here being heckled at by men and women standing on vans, screaming out how they will change Japan without ever actually offering any tangible plans, I figure that I’m as good as anyone to really lead Japan.

Here is my platform:

1) I won’t stand on a van and heckle you, ever. I’ll be sure to get out there and shake babies and kiss women in a civil and educated manner. I’m not Asian, but where I come from, when Asians speak through loudspeakers, people bug out and grab rifles. Even I have war flashbacks when I hear them screaming, and I’ve only been to wars in Asia via movies.

2) I’ll sell all the stockpiled whale to either a country that’s really hungry or some Nordic country that actually likes eating the shit. Cause right now there’s just a bunch of frozen whale sitting around and I think I might be the only one eating it. We could even send it to North Korea, so they’d get even stupider on Mercury poisoning.

3) Ever time North Korea raises a missile, I’ll blow it up, claim self defense, and then egg them on about that awesome brown water navy they possess, then watch as Kim Il-Jong flips out and sends his millions swimming across the Sea of Japan.

4) I’ll fire all politicians above 60. You ever see an American NFL football coach? Those guys put in about 18 hours a day of work during the season. At about 65, their skills suddenly wane. This goes for Generals too (I’m looking at you MacArthur). Why? Because old people need to sleep a lot and take little naps all the time. I want people who are burning the midnight oil to get shit done. Japan needs some fresh thinking, not someone who goes to bed at 7:00 and falls asleep during meetings.

5) I hate washing out containers and cutting juice boxes. I shouldn’t have to worry about that shit. From now on, all trash goes into one bin and it goes to jail, where prisoners sort it out in some wacky jail factory combo thing. You can also send bad junior high school children there until they shape up.

6) I’ll put TV Talents in (Hand Quotes) “Talent Camps” where they’d be reeducated on the exact concept of talent….they might also be put to death.

7) I’ll have traps installed in the vending machines that dispense the “salary man failure” items that men bring home to their wives after spending all night with snack ladies and in a love hotel with their mistress, coming home to a wife with a box of chocolates and some flowers he got by putting some coins in a slot. They will now chop off his hands, cause he’s a useless douche.

8) I’ll change cool biz so that people can wear comfortable clothes in the summer AND use the AC at a normal fucking temperature. Fuck it man, there are other ways to save the environment and work productivity takes a dive when everyone is casually dressed and hot. It takes the average Japanese person about 3 hours to complain about the weather and this nation doesn’t need anymore wasted productivity.

9) New Code: An even number of bows means I’m sincere in my apology, an odd number of bows mean I really don’t give a fuck. Here’s a hint: My lucky number is 7.

10) The Seto Naikai area is famous for its legends of pirates, plundering, striking fear, and hiding out in the thousands of islands of the inland sea. Japanese pirates plying the coasts, towns and vaginas of Korea is also part of a very rich Japanese history. Under my administration, we’ll get back to our pirating roots.

11) Sports festivals will no longer consist of events lacking entirely of sports. We’ll now do things obviously recognized by the world community as tangible and actual sports, not just a bunch of weird shit we made up. There will be no oddly coordinated, semi-homosexual dance routines either, unless your kid goes to a school for semi-homosexuals.

12) People will be allowed to express their actual opinions. When I tell someone that I went to a tea ceremony this weekend, they won’t have to say “Sugoi!” anymore, they can just say “Awe, I bet that sucked ass.” When they eat a piece of food they don’t like, they will no longer have to scream out “Oishii!” They will be allowed to say “This tastes like dog feces, but slimier.”

13) I’ll change the Japanese word for Octopus from Taco to something else. I get really pissed off when I go to a Japanese Mexican restaurants and see ‘tacos’ on the menu and order only to find that I get one lonely, sad and depressing, fucking taco. Don’t do me like that, Japan. Tacos should mean a plethora of Mexican delight, not one.

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Japan Stereotypes like it’s 1923

A few weeks ago I was in the city of Marugame with the gf, checking out some cafes and restaurants, a fairly common weekend hobby among the Japanese, foodies as they are, when I pulled her off to visit the Marugame Glass Shop.

The place is filled with thousands (millions?) of carefully crafted and shaped glass pieces. It’s a pretty impressive sight.

And while I’m not sure how well the place will be doing post earthquake, it’s a great place to take in some wacky, tacky, and somewhat offensive glass artwork…

…Such as Creepy Monkeys:

Wherever I go, they just keep looking at me...

Wherever I go, they just keep looking at me...

Or the very Japan-centric, Bondage the Bear:

An army of bears, bound to poles...

An army of bears, bound to poles...

And everyones’ personal favorite, “Shark Riding Negroes:”

Yeah, this won't offend anyone...

Yeah, this won't offend anyone...

Japan, you silly little country that just decides to ignore racial issues  (whether ignoring/destroying the Ainu or refusing citizenship to Koreans in Japan). Your gospel singers paint themselves in black face and your glass makers create nappy-headed, big lipped, tribal negro people riding sharks.

How innocent you are!

Let’s pretend this  planning meeting occured in America for a moment:

Manager: So anyway, I called this meeting today to see what kind of projects you’re all working on for the glass shop. Let’s just go around the table, shall we?

Tim: Yeah, I’m working on some Pandas and Giraffes. Kids really love them and they’re selling really well.

Manager: Great Tim, what about you Jerry?

Jerry: Oh, I dunno, I was gonna do some dragons.

Manager: Ooo…Sounds interesting. Eastern or Western Style?

Jerry: Oh, maybe Eastern this time, I like those whisker things they have, maybe have it holding an orb cause the Western ones always have orbs, but I never see it on the Eastern Ones

Manager: Yeah Jerry, I like your (hand quotes) “outside the box” approach. What about you Bob?

Bob: I was thinking of doing like a Negroid guy with big ‘ol red lips, nappy roots hair, mostly naked and riding on top of a shark

Manager: ::Shivers:: Did you just use the word ‘Negro?’

Bob: Actually, Negroid…like a subhuman Negro…

Manager:  …

Tim: …

Jerry: …

Meanwhile, in Japan, the Japanese Bob just toils along, crafting out armies of horrible shark riding stereotypes…

In the end, I bought one. I’d like to say I did it to rid the shelves of xenophobic ignorance…but I also just wanted to be one of the few people on earth to own the dude from the Bamboozled poster riding on a shark…