Tag Archives: Kim Il-Jong

An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 2)

(Part 1 can be found here)


South Korea



A fairly rational form of protest...

A fairly rational form of protest...


South Korea is the twin brother of North Korea. While slightly less insane, he can often toss rational thought and common sense out the window just as easily.  He’s jealous of his older brother and sister’s successes and has little love for either his mother or his father. He compensates for this inferiority complex by lashing out, much like his twin brother, minus the intense paranoia.

South and North Korea have seen times of cooperation via their various attempts at trade agreements (which will probably remain mostly one way, unless communist hats become all the rage). Unfortunately, in this scenario, each sees the other as the more retarded brother. The North longs for the day it can unite (AKA: win the Korean War) with South Korea under its terms and the South wishes much of the same, but under their terms. They will continue to knock heads endlessly, to the point where they might both want to try on football helmets.

The fact that South Korea is aligned with the West marks them distrustful to the China/Russia/N. Korea block, and the fact that the Korean War has never actually ended doesn’t help to relieve any tensions on the issue.


The United States



Mommy always gets what she wants

Mommy always gets what she wants

The Unites States is mommy. Unfortunately, mommy is a bit of a whore, traveling around the world and finding herself in bed with most anyone and everyone. She had a brief fling with daddy (Russia, Part 1) about 60 years ago, but they haven’t gotten along much since. Both think they have the right to all their children and pretty much everything else in the world. Mommy gets along with the one twin and the middle sister mostly because they let mommy crash at their places whenever she’s out whoring. She gets pissed off that the others don’t do the same.


Calling North Korea part of ‘The Axis of Evil‘ really did no wonders in helping American relations with the rogue nation, but beyond increasing hatred on the part of North Koreans of America (something already seen as fairly strong anyway), the real issue still lies in some of the ties and past hatreds mentioned above. Russia and China are likely as sick of Kim Il-Jong as America is, but the need for a buffer between the West and their states trumps the sickening feeling that hits them whenever Il-Jong does something dumb. Dealing with their retard brother is stressful and time consuming, but worth it.

America can’t even fart in the general direction of  North Korea without the consent of Russia and China, something which isn’t so likely to happen, and if it was somehow possible to form a coalition between all these parties to pursue military action (highly unlikely with all these loose threads and hatreds from past conflicts and wars), the US military is not ready to open up a third front of warfare anyway. Her hands are tied.





I used to be somebody!

I used to be somebody!


Japan’s the middle sister. She hates her brothers and often pretends they’re not even related.  Many years ago she got sick of being ignored and struck it out on her own. She did fairly well until mommy came around and bitch-slapped her back down to earth, but she’s a tenacious one and she came back around from that. She managed to claw her way out beyond her retarded family, winning prom queen and beauty pageants galore. Unfortunately, today she’s more of a faded beauty queen, living off past glories. Her voice is deeper from all the booze and cigarettes and you could tell she was once a looker, but has kinda lost her luster. She still acts like a beauty queen though. She doesn’t like what her family’s up to, but lacks the power or care to really do anything about it, cause she’s a pussy (pun intended) and a dram queen.

As a resident of Japan, a tangible sense of fear can be felt whenever North Korea does much of anything, but these people  go balls deep apeshit over most any minor crisis. Paranoia would be an understatement. While they see the N.K. state as inferior, they’re not anywhere near making a move towards stopping them, due to the constraints of their constitution and a very peace-at-all-costs minded people.

Il-Jong sees no problem in stretching their peaceful nature to its limits, knowing that Japan will do little to stop him. He knows that firing missiles at South Korea is bound to start a war, but shooting missiles over Japan stirs little action.

While allied with the West, they can actually consider themselves under some amount of threat from North Korea. The majority of missiles fired and tests are shot in the direction (or over) Japan.

China and Russia may get antsy at the idea, but Japan seems like the only real country with a tangible gripe that could be considered more of a threat to their own security than any posturing by a Western nation to exert control of the region. It might be seen as acceptable, yet isolated enough to not reignite the Korean War.

Recent articles point to Japan both lifting its embargo on manufacturing weapons and considering preemptive strikes. Apparently they may be pondering the same thing.

If they consider such actions they might want to consider sending back some ears to Korea, taking the war criminals out of Yasukuni shrine, and striking some deals with Russia involving land to the north, as it seems any move on retarded little North Korea is bound to piss off someone in the family.

What do you all think about the situation over here?

An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 1)

At least they throw good parades...

At least they throw good parades...

(Part 2 can be found here)

Ah, North Korea, your retarded younger brother of a country. Whenever he doesn’t get what he wants he starts screaming and moaning and banging his head against the wall until you reach for his little padded football helmet, strap it on, and just let him go back to bashing his head on the wall…

Between China, Russia,  South Korea, the US, Japan and their retarded little bother, a football helmet has been the only real solution to the problem.

Why can we all just man up, get in there and beat that tard until he stops fucking around?

The same reason that you don’t go in and beat up your retarded little brother..because he’s family and there’s some amount of love in the current status quo…

Let’s look at this little dysfunctional family. I’ll start with the anti-Western countries:


Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Russia’s the deadbeat dad. He taught his little tard baby everything he knows, instilling in his son an intense hatred and paranoia of anyone and anything. When other family members mess with lil Kim, lil Kim throws a fit just like daddy would. He learned well from daddy, although he’s even come to the point of being paranoid of daddy too. Meanwhile, Daddy still thinks he’s on baby’s side, but he really hasn’t been around for years cause he’s a douchebag.

So while it appears that Russian influence in North Korea hasn’t fared as well as during Il-Sung’s time as a Russian puppet, possibly due to his even more useless and insane son, the simple fact that Russia maintains a border with Korea makes them somewhat wary of allowing the West to move in and claim it. In their mind, it might be better to have a rogue retarded baby in between them and the west than the actual West itself.

An example of this mentality can be found in Russia’s recent effots to kick the US miltary out of Kyrgyzstan, something my friend over at the France Press Bureau in Almaty, Kazakhstan tipped me off to (seeing hardly any Central Asian news makes it into the Western world.. .a shame really) over many bottles of Vodka. The loss of military bases in Central Asia is slowly hampering America’s ability to fight the war in Afghanistan, something Russia wouldn’t mind seeing, since they no-doubt remain bitter of their failures there as well as not wanting to see a new ‘democratic western nation’ (and I use that term loosely) opening up on their (also loosely, since Kyrgyzstan isn’t technically theirs) border. They get a bit antsy about former allies getting hot and heavy with America (See: Georgia)

They’d rather see a chaotic, terrorist state in that region than a stable, western-controlled country. I’d wager that this is probably a position that comes fairly close to their North Korean policy.


I so successfur and coor!

I so successfur and coor!

China’s the eldest brother. He never really got respect from either his daddy or his mommy. As such, he struck it out on his own. He’s a bit like his dad, but at the end of the day, they don’t much get along. He’s always been extremely protective of his retarded baby brother, ready to intervene whenever any of the family members try to deal with their baby.  He is extremely proud to have achieved so much without the help of his parents and likes to show it.

Since the Korean War, China has referred to their relationship with North Korea as like lips and teeth. Without the two functioning together in partnership, the act of speaking becomes near impossible. In reality, China has often seen itself as better than it’s little brother and during the Korean War, Kim Il-Sung was more likely to find himself at the feet of the Soviets begging for help than at the feet of the Chinese (See: The Coldest Winter, Halberstam).

Still, China has often played the role of ‘savoir’ to the Koreas, whether it be against the Japanese in the 1500s (or failed savior during the Sino-Japanese War in the late 1800s) or vs the Americans and South Koreans in the 1950s. Simply, having Korea there has always been a nice buffer zone for China, some distance between those Western barbarians and those raping and pillaging Japanese bastards.

North Korea

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!


North Korea has been wearing his little football helmet for over 50 years now. He doesn’t care about his father, mother, or brothers. He cares solely for himself and maintaining his most basic of needs. He’s dangerous. He’s a brain-damaged child with extremely sharp toys.

North Korea under Kim il-Jong has drifted towards the realm of complete insanity. Like other insane egomaniacs lucky enough to become dictators, he’s assumed complete control over everything in his country in order to fuel his own personal cult of personality. Beyond building the legend of himself, little else matters. Using millions of lives to fuel that legend is probably not out of the question. As the man borders the end of his life, one wonders what kind of grandiose plan he might wish to accomplish before his death.

That’s it for part one. Tune in tomorrow when I talk about mommy, the middle child, and the retarded baby’s twin brother…

(Part 2)