Tag Archives: Japanese Girls

Japan to World: We gotz the Whores!

Come Inside Japan, Where the Magic Happens!

Come Inside Japan, Where the Magic Happens!

Japan, have a seat. We really need to talk….

I’ve heard  about your sending of envoys around the world to promote Japanese culture.

That’s a great idea man, I really think it would be wonderful to get more people around the world turned on to what you’re doing here.

Whoa there, buddy! When I said ‘turned on’ I didn’t mean it like that!

I’ve been reading about these envoys you’re sending around the world, these ‘ambassadors of cute” as the Japan Times mentions, and I dunno man. I’m not getting a good feeling on this one.

I think you might have figured it out all wrong.

You do realize you’re selling your image as a country of cute whores, right?

Awe man, I didn’t mean to say it so bluntly, but honestly, don’t you think this could end up being a bit of a problem?

When we think of Paris we think of art and food, while America stretches forward with its rugged landscapes, vibrant cities, and individualistic, wacky folks. India gets by on its colonial old world adventure vibe, while Africa depends upon its unique environments and animals.

Those are powerful images.

Meanwhile, you’ve decided to embrace girls in maid uniforms and cosplay outfits.

After all the foreign ministry brainstorming, the best you could do was to think of sending a brigade of whores abroad to talking about dressing up as submissive french maids, school girls, or in animal costumes while chatting about fashion and Japanese comic books?

Don’t be so offended. Although I have my own overly personal hatred for most picture books (my students are surprised when I read big books with no pictures), I’m not so biased to be blinded to the fact that there are some great works of manga out there written by very intelligent people.

Why don’t you just send those people abroad to talk about Japan and what they do, along with other authors, artists and creative people?

No, no, I’m not suggesting we dress up manga writers and artists in school girl uniforms. I’m saying we let the merits of their work speak for themselves and attract people to Japanese culture and sensibility.

Oh, stop it, you really need to get off this “kawaii” kick! That would be as silly as Neil Gaiman in a school girl uniform. You really gotta get off the cosplay vibe!

Don’t you realize that in portraying you women as cute, submissive whores in costumes that you’re completely undercutting the abilities, intelligence, and natural beauty of the women in your country.

You’re selling an image of your women as hot, shallow and superficial sluts with knee socks and short skirts that live to exist like real world barbie dolls

While I realize that you’re womens’ rights records is woefully below that of most Western countries, is this really an image you’d like to perpetuate around the world?

I assure you, it’s already a pretty heavy image around the globe. I don’t really think you need to enhance  it with your envoy of barbie sluts. You might actually want to think about downplaying it some.

During my time in America, I remember many an otaku fanatic, woefully wishing for the day they could come to your magical shores and bask in the adoration of overly cute whores who loved them for their intense interest in maid costumes and Dragon Ball.

Thank god, this isn’t actually that country (mostly).

Those type of folks come here by the boatloads already, trawling the streets for their “kawaii” girl, often operating under a completely false presumption of how these women may react to their advances and how they should be treated.

Do you really want to promote this to a whole new level? Do you really want the world thinking that your women are all barbie dolls ready to be played with?

If it’s government sanctioned and an actual government funded endeavour, it just becomes all the more official as a country’s platform.

Is this something your government honestly wants to be known for promoting?

Do you really know what you’re getting into?

Man, we’ve shared some good times together. I don’t want to get mad at you. But seriously, you really need to ponder what you’re aiming for.

Sure, I’ve partaken in some of your wacky snacks and all their ‘kawaii” vibe glory, but at the end of the day, when I want to quantify why you’re my friend and why I keep hanging out with you, it’s not cause of your barbie whores.

So sit back and think for a little bit about a better way. There’s gotta be one.

Best of luck to you, man, I hope we can figure it all out and not strain our friendship anymore…

(Meanwhile, I will someday totally undercut this post (if not already) in a future post where I talk about some beautiful Japanese girl I’m mad about…I’m a hypocrite, sue me)


Damn Girl, You Ate My Heart…Literally…

Just a little snack between lunch and dinner...

Just a little snack between lunch and dinner...

I’m downright amazed at what a Japanese girl can stuff down her throat…

When I first came to Japan I was faced with an interesting conundrum. Everywhere I went Japanese people were telling me how healthy and good-for-you their food was. I looked around me and nodded my head. Everyone was thin except those unmarried, sweaty, glasses-wearing, chubby guys with metabolic syndrome that spent their free time in beef bowl restaurants, udon shops and living with a mom who cooked far too much for them.

I then proceeded to gain about 12 pounds (6ish Kilos) eating ‘healthy.’

What was going on here? I was riding my bike everywhere, something I never did in America, and I swam as much as I could.

My only answer: Japanese people are genetically built eating machines.

I figured out quickly that there were just too many carbs in this country for me. People eat bowls upon bowls of rice with nearly every meal. If they’re not eating rice they’re eating some kind of noodles. If they’re not eating Asian-style noodes they’re eating spaghetti, and if not spaghetti they’re eating pizza or nan bread or something. For breakfast they knock down giant pieces of Wonder Bread-esque Texas toast.

My body just can’t handle this. Two normal-sized bowls of refined white rice in a day and my middle starts expanding.

Since then, I’ve gotten back down to normal weight buying whole grain rice, getting a bread maker and whole grains from the food shop. Now I’m back to normal, mostly through cooking for myself.

But fuck! These people can house carbs like it’s their job!

This next part I will whisper, because if said too loud, stupid people with retarded ideas are bound to swoop down and take my idea and suddenly one of our races will instantaneously be put in death camps and we’ll all be discussing eugenics again, but there might be differences involved in our genetics!

I came from a childhood where I’d go out and beg my dad to take me to the doughnut shop. When I finally twisted his arm enough, I was able to enjoy the glory of a single glazed doughnut! When I came home, my mom yelled at us both.

In general, I’ve always been from a world where we eat two doughnuts and feel pretty guilty about it. To push to three would be like moving from a Moon landing to a Mars landing.  Three doughnuts? I dunno man, I don’t think I can handle it, maybe we should just get like one doughnut and a kroeller, that’s a bit bigger, right?

In Japan, to what do my wandering eyes appear but an entire army of lithe, young women just downing entire trays of bread and doughnuts like they were born to this earth to suck all the carbohydrates off it (and protein too, but that’s another blog, wink wink).

A line of girls ready to assault trays of doughnuts like it's D-Day...measure up the waists..

A line of girls ready to assault trays of doughnuts like it's D-Day...measure up the waists..

When I first saw it, I thought that they were taking all these doughnuts home to an extremely large family. That was until I watched them sit down and just go nuts on the tray. In a Starbucks they’ll hose down a bunch of danishes with a milkshake-like frappaccino.

They haven't even eaten any doughnuts yet and they're supersized people
They haven’t even eaten any doughnuts yet and they’re supersized people

Now I’m not gonna say that American portions aren’t gigantic and that we’re all not a bunch of fat asses, but damn, if we could eat like this for a cafe snack we’d be double our current size.

It’s completely bewildering what my possibly 100 lb gf can eat.

It’s gotta be some super genes.

Turn on Japanese TV. What do you see?  Are people eating on every channel? Are they still somehow magically thin?  Does it look like this:

That’s Natsuko “Gal” Sone, Japanese eating machine. According to Wired Magazine, this 95 pound, petite 5 foot 4 inch woman can down some 20 lbs of food in one sitting, polishing off whatever you put in front of her face. She’s been known to consume 40,000 calories of food in a day and apparently her cells burn off more fat and her gut contains more bifidobacteria for helping digestion.

But Beyond ‘Gal” Sone, Japanese variety TV is just full of beautiful people constantly eating. Perhaps they all burn off a bit more fat than us land-monster barbarians?

So as I swim my thousands of meters and bike around the entire city, watching what I eat every day, trying harder than I ever had to in the US to avoid a barrage of white breads, udon, and rice, I pass by cafe after cafe of women fueling Japan’s entire grains import industry.

I’m not jealous, I’m just scared.

If there’s ever a food shortage, I might find myself at the wrong end of a table of hungry Japanese women.