Why on God’s earth won’t it die? I fled from the shores of America to escape its foul stench.
I suppose it started before we ever noticed, like most plagues do, in hidden places, kitchens and gardens throughout the world.
It soon spread to children, running around in their colorful little plastic wacky dutch-boy shoes.
We should have seen the end coming, we should have known!
I knew it was truly over when frat boys began sporting them.
Soon friends would come over my house and say “Hey, look at these cool new shoes I bought!”
I had to escape.
I fled to the shores of Japan, hoping against all odds that the Japanese could turn the tide against these foul shoes.
…But they failed.
I retreated to my bomb shelter and waited out the trend. Trends in Japan are supposed to last about a week.
But 2007 and 2008 passed, and as the first rays of summer sun rained down upon us, I was sure I’d waited long enough.
I was wrong, it continues, perhaps even stronger than before.
Everywhere I look, wacky fucking clown-shoes, intensely color-coordinated with wardrobe.
Even fear, so often the most powerful dictator of social norms in Japan, was helpless to stop them.
If you’re reading this, you are the resistance….
We must stem the tide of idiot shoes.
Don’t let anyone you know wear these fucking clown-shoes, and please make sure they know that Japanese escalators will kill them if they wear them.
To save the future, we must protect the present.
Japan, let it go…
(Hope you enjoyed part one. The overall plan is to do a weekly hate and a weekly love. Tune in tomorrow for something completely random that I actually like about Japan)