I’ve been a bit out of the loop. My computer crashed and I was torn from the universe. I suddenly found myself indulging in crazy, Luddite activities, reading words printed on pressed trees and (hand quotes) ‘using my imagination’ or ‘having sex with my wife’ instead of the plethora of media options available to me in the modern era.
So forgive me if I’m a bit behind in catching up, but I couldn’t help but shed a tear for the crushing, utter implosion of Japan’s grip on innovation and technology, convincingly embodied by the above picture and the accompanying video.
The Tale of the Tape
1) Years of Robotic Research and Japan’s developed Robotic Baby Seals?
Say that again with me people:
I ain’t gonna lie, Teddy Ruxpin was fully anthropomorphic, spoke WORDS, and did all that 25 years ago. Your seals yelp down a hallway like a two-bit whore from Roppongi in a love hotel.
2) Robots with human qualities are fucking creepy. Don’t take my word for it, listen to accredited, actual journalists and scientists here. Japan is ungodly excited about crossing a point, that no one wants to cross except Japan. I want a Roomba, not a creepy robot that looks like a woman with Parkinson’s disease.
3) Looking above, I can only assume that Japan is on an epic quest to have sex with their robots. My epic quest is to get a robot that does the shit my wife nags me about on a Sunday while trying to watch football. Can’t we all just get on the same ‘epic quest’ page?
4) Stop creeping out foreign dignitaries with weird shit. Listen, when Vladamir Putin visits Bulgaria, he gets a puppy:
You’re creeping out the guy who still has the most nuclear weapons at his fingertips with shrieking pseudo-mammals normally worn around fashionable ladies” necks en route to cold Christmas balls and immobile, nagging wife-like robotic zombies without all the fun of actual, real zombies.
Where’s our fucking puppy? Stop making foreign dignitaries go through an endless loop of technological nonsense because you think they’re cool.
We just think you’re weird.
5) After the faux-imals and immobile, yet nagging, vagina-less faux-wives, they ferried President Obama over to their proudest innovation, a really bulky future Segway thing. Congrats Japan, you took a technology previous known for a) laughing at shorts-wearing American tourists in Paris b) a wildly hilarious story, making them both into a far more cumbersome and useless technology (with rain shield!).
Listen Japan, it’s over. You’re not good at this technology thing anymore. We’re gonna have to see other people. Don’t call me anymore, end the soppy texts, and stop driving by my place.
In the rest of the world, we don’t care about phones that can access analog TV channels, we have smart phones that do everything. We don’t care about how you’ve invented Blu Ray or pioneered 3D TV, because the simple fact remains that most places I go within your so-called ‘technological mecca’ lack basic cable or satellite television.
People still show me ‘mini-discs’. I don’t even know what those are.
Techies used to flock to Akihabara like it was a pilgrimage, but let’s face it, they’re going for the maids now.
You’ve gotta stop pretending. When I wanna see wacky Asian tech shit, you’re just not on my list anymore. I’m gonna be check’n underground in Shanghai and Beijing, or hit’n the streets of Seoul. It’s just cooler there right now.
Warm toilet seats don’t make the world go round.
I know, it’s difficult for me too. I mean, there are some nights when I might still come calling. After all, you still lead the world in creepy squid and octopus pornography and humiliating and painful game show innovation.
But girl, ya gotta understand, me and Obama just ain’t into what you.got anymore. You keep recreating these old moments, hoping we don’t realize it ain’t noth’in new, hoping that nostalgia’s enough to carry us through to a new day.
Well, it’s not.
We’re kinda into these new girls with these new tricks, and the more you try and bring up the past, the more we’re just gonna walk on by.
So if you wanna get us back, stop being a one trick pony. Go get yourself a makeover, take some pilates classes, maybe get a lil’ work done. Hit these scene again with a newer, hotter beau, make us jealous.
Because if you want us back, shoving weird robot seals in our face sure as hell ain’t gonna fly.