Category Archives: Sports

Because, Fuck It, I’m Shinzo Abe, Dammit

Japanese Hyūga-class helicopter destroyer Celebrates 2020 Tokyo Olympics Selection

Prime Minister Abe alluded to future Olympics conducted entirely on yet to-be-built Aircraft Carriers, editing his remarks to say “Helicopter Destroyers”  while making hand quotes, but continued: “Yeah, we’re gonna need a lot of those for the ‘Olympics’ (more hand quotes).”

Only days after Tokyo rallied to claim the International Olympic Committee’s selection to host the 2020 Summer Olympics, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe outlined a massive new proposal to fully incorporate the Olympics as a major new cornerstone of his current economic initiatives.

Prime Minister Abe met with the press Thursday morning to outline his new philosophy.

“After winning this bid to host the 2020 Olympics, and analyzing the economic benefits and employment opportunities of such massive public spending, I, and by default, the Japanese government, have decided to move to a fully Olympics-based Economy” said Abe during his time outlining his new vision for the nation.

He proceeded to detail the major tenets of his new plan.

“For this new economic direction to succeed, we’ll have to win all future Olympic bids, both Winter and Summer. We will base our entire economy around building for, and conducting future Olympics. This will help to fuel massive public construction projects throughout our nation, allowing the government to pump money into area economies, creating jobs for all, and really cool buildings that look like the future. It’ll be just like the 1980s again, but better! Remember how cool it was when we just built airports everywhere without a care in the world? We’ll also challenge ourselves by setting the bar higher, sometimes randomly changing it up, like holding a Winter Olympics in Okinawa, or a Summer Olympics on reclaimed land we created just for that Olympics, possibly having an entire Olympics on the decks of a bunch of newly-minted Aircraft Carriers, or um, whatever you people are calling them, “Helicopter Destroyers (Hand quotes).”

Abe went further into auxiliary added benefits, such as doubling or tripling the nations mascot creation industry, currently the third largest industry in the nation, as well as the potential for a massive upward spike (pun intended) that continual international guests will bring to the Japanese Whore Economy (Nikkei: JWE),

While Abe’s new plan immediately awed the Japanese public, who have become experts at listening to anything that comes out of the Prime Minister’s mouth and believing it, some brash reporters, perhaps new to the job and not yet acclimated to the press club’s norm of avoiding tough, un-vetted questions,  grilled Abe on his new direction and its lack of international vision.

Abe responded to his critics with the same gleaming smile that won best in show during the IOC selection process. “Well, you see, we’re creating a highly skilled, events staff workforce, fully adept at running massive international functions. To stimulate global exchange, we’ll surely lend our honed Olympics-hosting abilities to other nations to kick-start their events. Our builders and logistics people can be cross-trained and sent abroad to assist with the soccer World Cups, Super Bowls, NBA All Star Week, and that silly World Cup of that sport that takes days per game and uses weird S&M bats.”

Abe’s ego may have become as bloated as his ever-rising approval rating, and some are beginning to believe that he has superpowers or mind control abilities, skills that apparently translated well to his dealings with the IOC.

In off-the-cuff remarks after his main presentation on Thursday, Abe walked directly amid the crowd of reporters, fielding questions like either Jesus or an American talk show host, assisting and reviving at least two reporters who fainted in his presence, and passing out onigiri rice that appeared magically from his hands to hungry journalists,  all while casually delving into more of what spurred him towards his new economic model.

Boardwalk Empire Napkin Scene

The Genesis of a New Path for Japan (Pic via:

“Yeah, I told the IOC there were no problems at all with that whole Fukushima disaster and they completely bought it! I didn’t even frame it as “for Tokyo,” I just told ’em it wasn’t a problem AT ALL! Who knew you  could just clear an entire mess like that by just saying it wasn’t an issue? During that final coffee break I pointed out that Istanbul’s a disturbing mess of weird, potential secular terrorists and that Madrid is perennially a hive of unemployed wasters, but that was all just icing on the cake. After we won, during a day or two of prostitutes and binge drinking to celebrate, I thought it would be cool if we could just keep this train rolling forever. So I drew some shit on a napkin in some snack bar at like 5am and handed it to Taro Aso. The rest is history.”

And so Japan charts a bold new path on the global economic stage, the post-modern, Olympics-Based Economy.


Vuvuleza, How do you not inspire more clitoris mutilation jokes?


No really, I like pissing people off too.... (Image Courtesy of MTN Football)

I love the idea of getting into players’ heads.

An old friend of mine made a hobby of attending minor league baseball games to heckle the pitchers with rousing “WHUPPP-BAMMMM!”-s at inopportune moments, causing the poor guys to toss balls in many wildly different directions that were not the catcher’s mound.

Others see tranquility as an important asset in sports, allowing the athletes to gather their heads and concentrate on their skills. The slightest outbursts from the crowd are frowned upon and those with drunken agendas are often outright tossed from the stadium.

I’m not one of those people. I have fond memories of chanting “Fuck’em up, Fuck’em up, go CU!!” with my peers in a full football stadium, hoping to get into our opponents’ heads. I also have awe-inspiring memories of walking into enemy territory and having the home team’s chants and revelry add an element of fear and danger into my life, along with the explosives/fire/possible death (Go to a Turkish soccer match).

When South Africa kicked off their game against Mexico to open the World Cup, I loved the idea of these Vuvuleza horns. They constantly reminded the Mexican team that the crowd was there, breathing down their necks. All fan-bases have their traditions, created to unnerve their opponents. Mexicans in Azteca often throw bags of urine at opposing team’s players and fans to scare them. We all have our ways and those ways are awesome.

We’re all pent-up, testosterone-fueled animals that have somehow chosen destinies with vast expanses of computer screens and inaction, wishing we were something better. When we go to a stadium, we go to get our kicks out, Roman-style.  We go to see our “avatars” kick the shit out of someone else’s and we add a bit of ourselves into the mix to feel like we mattered.

The Vuvulezas are awesome for South Africa in that respect. I’m not sure there’s anything else so droning and omnipresent that it could completely destroy an opponent’s brain stem.

But they’ve transcended their own function.

I tuned into the USA/England match and expected to hear an assault of people bellowing “God Save the Queen” and “The Star Spangled Banner” at each other, cursing 200 years of friendly animosity, talking shit about burning the White House and making fun of tea, with the occasional rousing rendition of whatever Oasis song was clever for the moment.


Has anyone realized that the horns make ABSOLUTELY no sense outside of the fan-bases that regularly use them?

It’s like going to game six of the Lakers/Celtics finals and finding that 75% of the fans there are sporting Knicks jerseys or going to Michigan vs Ohio State in the Big House and suddenly realizing that everyone is doing Penn State Cheers and wearing white. When I go to Koshien to see the Carp and the Tigers play, I don’t expect the Giants’s band to start playing OR be accepted as normal, and when I went to see the Korean National team play Ecuador I neglected to wear a Japanese National team shirt.

Sexy World Cup Girl, Paraguay World Cup Girl, Boobs

Let Paraguay Cheer the Paraguayan Way, with Awesomeness and Tits! (Courtesy of Deadspin and This Guy)

The horns are a completely neutral, third element completely fucking up the friction between the two teams and their fans. The droning buzz does nothing to provide a perceived home advantage for either of the teams playing in their stadiums, aside from South Africa and any other horn-using African teams. They get in the way of everything, equally.

They’re probably impossible to stop. A good portion of the fans filling the stadium are South Africans who scored tickets to whatever match they could get to, and they’re gonna bring their horns and go about their usual business. There’s also a good portion of tourists moved by the magic of South Africa or by savvy plastic horn vendors on their way into the stadium. They wanna give it a shot and do “as the Romans do.”

But I gotta think that the uninspiring play to date could potentially be a result of the great neutrality that the horns afford. They drone equally at all, dig into the minds of everyone. The number of fans in the stands, the national cheers belted out, they mean nothing. They won’t add an ounce of courage to a team, nor an ounce of fear to their opponents.

The oppressive droning levels the playing field, and in turn, extinguishes the cultural flourishes of everyone elses’ World Cup eccentricities.

Of course, if we look beyond the game, to the massive battle of international cultures taking place, perhaps South Africa has one the biggest battle of all, completely silencing all comers with their droning buzz.

South Africa, love the horns, but keep’em for yourselves and your games, let us play too.

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Japan Commits Tuck of Epic Proportions, Successfully Hides Balls

Japan: Good at this, not so good at useful shit

Defeat is not something I can understand.

I blame my American heritage. Having become what seems like a giant, lumbering example of complete failure, America still refuses to accept, acknowledge or believe in any failure within our borders.

We’re taught from an early age that failure is for weak people, like Canadians and Mexicans.  If you ask me the loser of any event throughout our glorious history, not only will I be completely unable to acknowledge these failures, but neither will any of my kin. Failures have been stricken from the records of our history books, unless of course you attend one of those lame, wussy liberal arts colleges. Good luck with that degree in Latino Chicano Lesbian Feminist Studies, loser.

Losers are deleted so that the most epic achievements of our most triumphant gladiators can be championed in whatever fields they do battle, even if they do steroids and blow lines between plays.

Losers are the people that, shoulders bent in eternal defeat, pump my gas, make my McCafe Carmel Mochas, and help serve me on my Taco Bell Diet.

So as you might imagine, I was in for a bit of a shock during my first couple of years in Japan when I ran into this:

Courtesy of The New York Times (Jake Clennell, 2006)

Watching a few rounds of the Japanese High School Baseball Tournament, I was assaulted by intense camera footage of losers, crying, shoveling little mounds of dirt into pouches, followed by more crying, later to be shown on the news, crying a bit more.


Where’s the winning team? Why were the cameras so focused on useless rejects? Get them off the field and get to more games involving the victorious! Aren’t there death camps for these failures?

…And so went my first exposure to Japan’s cultural interest in the defeated. I came to learn that the process was more important than the outcome, and through effort and hard work, their effort was also appreciated and cherished.


It’s like when a girl applauds you after a tiny-dicked, 3-minute sex session:

“Thanks babe, maybe they should throw me a victory parade down the streets of Tokyo.”

I began to accept  it as Japan’s little thing (pun intended, points up), some wacky culture where losers are beloved and worshiped. Maybe the 3 minute man is a god here. That’s cool man, I took enough cultural communication classes in university to know that things like genital mutilation, kidnapping your wives in Central Asia, and letting sports-men cry on TV isn’t my culture, and that I shouldn’t try to judge it based on my sphere of cultural understanding.

I gave it a pass, I moved on. I even kind of learned to enjoy this quirky little land where people respect failure. I just learned to let it all slide…

…Until now.

The World Cup is coming..  I’d like to root for Japan (Unless they face the greatness that is the USA). Unfortunately, they have so embraced failure as their modus operandi that I can’t even fathom how I could even marginally feel comfortable cheering for such mediocrity and sadness.

If you get the Semis, I'll get you that dress you wanted, Strawberry Shortcake

I like my American heroes, of uber-awesome stature and the belief that we could put our greatest sports-men in any competitive venture and they would emerge victorious, because they are American and thus, like half-god Herculean creatures.

This isn’t a realistic expectation, but we believe it, because we have hopes and dreams for our athletes.

Perhaps I’m over-exaggerating, but Japan needs a dose of this medicine. I know that Japanese people are a humble bunch, but it sometimes seems like a deep and honest belief that Japanese athletes can’t compete on a world stage and that failure should be expected.

I’m sick and tired of qualifiers and excuses.

I don’t want to hear anymore that Japanese athletes can’t compete on a world level due to size, speed, or enlarged vaginas. It sickens me to see people so convinced that they can’t do something.

Apparently, it’s the kind of idea that trickles up, as Japanese coach Okada seems solely focused on his team getting to the Semi-finals of the World Cup, instead of actually winning the fucking thing and JFA’s Ogura seems hesitant to even admit they’ll get that far.


Listen Japan, it’s nice that you honor losers, but if you remain trapped in a mindset where you expect less than complete victory and categorize yourselves as less than that of your opponents, you’re already stepping on the field defeated.

I don’t want to leave you behind, but I far prefer teams that have hopes and dreams.

South Korea, what you doing this weekend?  Wanna hang out?

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