Category Archives: Japanese Technology

Japan: The Ex-Girlfriend of Technological Innovation, Driving by Your Place Constantly, Texting about “Old Times”

obama's robotic seal experience in Japan

Oh, so that's what that shrieking was, I thought you were fluff'n some whores for me in the next room (Picture courtesy of

I’ve been a bit out of the loop. My computer crashed and I was torn from the universe. I suddenly found myself indulging in crazy, Luddite activities, reading words printed on pressed trees and (hand quotes) ‘using my imagination’ or ‘having sex with my wife’ instead of  the plethora of media options available to me in the modern era.

So forgive me if I’m a bit behind in catching up, but I couldn’t help but shed a tear for the crushing, utter implosion of Japan’s grip on innovation and technology, convincingly embodied by the above picture and the accompanying video.

The Tale of the Tape

1) Years of Robotic Research and Japan’s developed Robotic Baby Seals?

Say that again with me people:


I ain’t gonna lie, Teddy Ruxpin was fully anthropomorphic, spoke WORDS, and did all that 25 years ago.  Your seals yelp down a hallway like a two-bit whore from Roppongi in a love hotel.

2) Robots with human qualities are fucking creepy. Don’t take my word for it, listen to accredited, actual journalists and scientists here. Japan is ungodly excited about crossing a point, that no one wants to cross except Japan. I want a Roomba, not a creepy robot that looks like a woman with Parkinson’s disease.

3) Looking above, I can only assume that Japan is on an epic quest to have sex with their robots. My epic quest is to get a robot that does the shit my wife nags me about on a Sunday while trying to watch football. Can’t we all just get on the same ‘epic quest’ page?

4) Stop creeping out foreign dignitaries with weird shit. Listen, when Vladamir Putin visits Bulgaria, he gets a puppy:

Putin and a Puppy

That's REAL World Power right there

You’re creeping out the guy who still has the most nuclear weapons at his fingertips with shrieking pseudo-mammals normally worn around fashionable ladies” necks en route to cold Christmas balls and immobile, nagging  wife-like robotic zombies without all the fun of actual, real zombies.

Where’s our fucking puppy?  Stop making foreign dignitaries go through an endless loop of technological nonsense because you think they’re cool.

We just think you’re weird.

5) After the faux-imals and immobile, yet nagging, vagina-less faux-wives, they ferried President Obama over to their proudest innovation, a really bulky future Segway thing.  Congrats Japan, you took a technology previous known for a) laughing at shorts-wearing American tourists in Paris b) a wildly hilarious story, making them both into a far more cumbersome and useless technology (with rain shield!).

Listen Japan, it’s over. You’re not good at this technology thing anymore. We’re gonna have to see other people. Don’t call me anymore, end the soppy texts, and stop driving by my place.

In the rest of the world, we don’t care about phones that can access analog TV channels, we have smart phones that do everything. We don’t care about how you’ve invented Blu Ray or pioneered 3D TV, because the simple fact remains that most places I go within your so-called ‘technological mecca’ lack basic cable or satellite television.

People still show me ‘mini-discs’. I don’t even know what those are.

Techies used to flock to Akihabara like it was a pilgrimage, but let’s face it, they’re going for the maids now.

Akihabara Japanese Maids

I smell sex

You’ve gotta stop pretending. When I wanna see wacky Asian tech shit, you’re just not on my list anymore. I’m gonna be check’n underground in Shanghai and Beijing, or hit’n the streets of Seoul.  It’s just cooler there right now.

Warm toilet seats don’t make the world go round.

I know, it’s difficult for me too. I mean, there are some nights when I might still come calling. After all, you still lead the world in creepy squid and octopus pornography and humiliating and painful game show innovation.

But girl, ya gotta understand, me and Obama just ain’t into what anymore. You keep recreating these old moments, hoping we don’t realize it ain’t noth’in new, hoping that nostalgia’s enough to carry us through to a new day.

Well, it’s not.

We’re kinda into these new girls with these new tricks, and the more you try and bring up the past, the more we’re just gonna walk on by.

So if you wanna get us back, stop being a one trick pony. Go get yourself a makeover, take some pilates classes, maybe get a lil’ work done. Hit these scene again with a newer, hotter beau, make us jealous.

Because if you want us back, shoving weird robot seals in our face sure as hell ain’t gonna fly.



Japan: Makers of the Japanese Zero, Ion Cannons Part 2

I have no idea what this is.....

....or where the fuck it came from

I write about Ion Cannons and strange devices appear in my kitchen.

I’m not sure what the hell is going on. It looks like something from Duck Tales has just invaded my life from out of the blue.

Lifting the top, I find eggs.

If I ate eggs, this would make sense.

If I didn’t possess the ability to put eggs in a pot of boiling water  and cook them, it would make sense.

If this machine made eggs faster than boiling them in a pot, this would make sense.

As it stands, none of these are true, creepy Duck Tales machine has appeared as if to defy my previous posts.

I have no idea why it’s appearing in my house, although I pin the blame on an eccentric future mother in law who often makes strange objects appear in the house.

I’ve seen “Batteries Not Included” and I know how this story ends. I don’t need eggs and I don’t need ion cannons.

It’s on, wacky Japanese inventions, machines, and robots.

I’m done with you appearing in my life, making creepy sounds, and telling me how to do things (I’m looking at you, GPS lady).

This is war….

Japan: Maker of the Japanese Zero, Ion Cannons

Hoth Ion Cannon

Star Wars Ion Cannon...

“Did I just buy you a fucking Ion Cannon?”

I looked at the object I’d just paid ¥20,000 for as she removed it from the box, a volleyball-sized  glossy white sphere, resting on a swiveling base, with some kind of protruding nozzle aiming defensively at the sky.

She smiled as she began toying with it, thanking me for the birthday present. “It’s a Nanoe.” She beamed as she ejected the small internal cylinder like someone who knows here way around an ion cannon and began filling it with liquid. After finishing, she reinserted the cylinder into the sphere, causing a clicking sound similar to popping an ammo cartridge into a gun.

“What did you fill it with?”

She gave me a quizzical glance like I’m supposed to know the load-out procedures for warming up intergalactic weapons. “Ionized Water…”

Panasonic Nanoe EHSA-41 Japanese Ion Cannon

I nodded my head as the realization dawned on me. “Right, of course, that makes sense…”

She picked it up and set it on the shelf next to our bed, the nozzle pointing skyward to deter any would-be attackers. As she pressed the button the device warmed up and hummed to life, casting some ominous blue lights on the ceiling.

With her eyes casting heart shapes at her new space laser, she motioned for me to join her in the bed, a look of satisfaction and happiness upon her face, the ion cannon ready to protect us throughout the night.

Hours later, as the creepy blue lights and ominous machinations of the machine continued, sounding earily like Darth Vader, I still had no concrete idea of what exactly I’d bought my her.

Weeks later, as it sits here by me now, buzzing, clicking and humming along with a million other technological creations that I fail to understand I come to a final realization:

I could probably go on the internet and solve my query, perhaps even get some kind of explanation from the girl. In truth though, it’s fun not knowing what that ion cannon actually does. I come from America and I know goddamn well that someone’s gonna sue the shit out of me when I blow up their Star Destroyer and it’s a far better tactic to feign ignorance.

Also: Japanese people like some weird-ass shit, but ya’already knew that, didn’tcha?

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