Category Archives: Humor

Korean Fall Harvest Festival: A Time for Food, Family, and Telling Japan to Passive-Aggressively Fuck Off

Republic of Korea Navy (대한민국 해군): Happy Chuseok (추석)/Hangawi (한가위)

The Republic of Korea Navy (ROK) wishes everyone a Happy Korean Harvest Festival. Also, eat dicks, Japan (via: https://www.facebook.com/ilovenavy)

Ah, Chuseok (추석), Korean Harvest Festival, a time for families to come together, honoring their ancestors, indulging in a plethora of  rice cakes, fruits, and other delights  of a bountiful harvest,  all while getting pissed on wonderful seasonal rice wines.

The ROK Navy would like to take this beautiful autumnal moment to extend their heartfelt well-wishes for a happy and joyous Chuseok (즐거운 한가위 되세요), evoking the beauty of this Asian fall festival through images of copious fruits ready for harvest on fall-colored tree branches (because, duh, autumn) and flying birds (Asians love Asian-y looking birds). Also, the ROK Navy would like to let everyone know, especially Japan, that during this joyous Chuseok: DOKDO IS KOREAN TERRITORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Chuseok, and stay ever-vigilant, friends, because you never know what those shifty Japanese might do while you’re drunk, full of mochi Korean mochi Songpyeon, and enjoying seasonal, Sumo Korean Sumo definitely NOT AT ALL related to Japan, Ssireum matches.

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99 Logos and a Bitch, Each One

Japan Next Logo

Well, there it is, Japan’s new logo “to be used by Japanese agencies and corporations around the world to promote Japanese culture embodying the idea of Cool Japan.”  After reviewing some 99 entries, the pencil pushing desk jockeys on the Committee to Waste Japan’s Time finally waded thru the apparent complete dearth of ideas and creativity to select this stunning little piece on my left here, courtesy of Kashiwa Sato (whose site melts my fucking brain). Mr. Saito obviously took his inspiration from looking in the mirror every day:

Kashiwa Sato is Japan NextWhile the mind boggles at how there could have been 99 entries worse than this one, I’m willing to roll with it if we perhaps fine tune what we’ve already got. As such, let me propose a few edits and recommendations:

Japan Next Anime Hair

JAPAN: STILL RIDING ANIME

If you want to use your “Cool Japan” or “Japan Next” logo to promote wacky Japanese culture and you’re not going to use school girls and tentacle rape, you might as well give your logo some cool anime spikey hair. Just a slight turn, as seen on the right here, takes Sato’s logo from ungodly conventional and pedestrian to “the Naruto of shitty logos.” You could even put one of those toilet bowl swirlies in the middle of it to make anime fans all cream their pants.

ADDED BONUS: The logo highlights the one disaster that hasn’t destroyed Japan this past year. Japan has not been bombarded with meteors or asteroids……….yet………..

Japan Next Logo Backwards

JAPAN: OUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

On the left, you’ll see an edit to Satos’s logo that more adequately reflects Japanese aesthetics.  I was wondering why the initial logo reflected a Western “left to right” model of forward progression when the majority of Japanese books, magazines, manga, and other materials tend to start from the right and progress to the left.

ADDED BONUS: For Western eyes, this logo better explains the actual progession of the Japanese political system and economy.

Japan is Melting

JAPAN MELTING

Finally, on the right, I believe we have the best possible way to sell Sato’s yawn-inducing logo and assure that it brings peoples’ thoughts back to Japan.

This logo will let the world know that despite being forgotten by the entire media of the world, Japan isn’t going anywhere “Next” at this moment, still dealing with a MASSIVE NUCLEAR WASTELAND, giant cleanup, destroyed industries, corrupt corporations still fucking the populace, an inept government, stale economy, apathetic people, and a complete and utter loss in prominence of all the stuff they try to sell to the world as “Cool Japan.”

RANDOM ASIDE: During the creation of #Quakebook there was a great deal of Western-guilt debate on using the Japanese “Rising Sun” icon in any other way than in its original form, for fear of offending the Japanese people, to the point where logos for the book were rearranged and reworked. I suppose this was all silly Western political correctness, as it’s readily apparent that the J-gov couldn’t give too fucks about mucking around with their countries symbology.

Maybe it only hurts when foreigners do it.

As a final note, my favorite logo idea can be found here at Politicomix, which would scare the the Dukboki straight out of Korea and their completely irrational fear of “Fan Death.” That’s a ballsy stance I could really get behind.

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Craig is currently a freelance writer whose works appear on his two blogs (here and here), as well as occasional pieces on Japan and ESL for Language House. He fashions himself as something of a humorist, with a passion for social media, international politics, technology, beer, Asia, New Jersey, the Pacific Northwest (Seattle-ish), puppies, both Footballs, and pizza. He can be found ranting about all of the above and more via Google+ and Twitter.

Providing Man-Solutions Since 1980

There are certain instances in time that a man never forgets…

They’re locked into his head as “man moments” for all eternity. He’ll fondly recall them often and without prompting, over and over again for the duration of his lifetime, likely expecting his feats to be carried down as oral legends on through to future generations.

Over two thousand years ago, these moments  would have been something akin to Alexander the Great breaking the back of the Persian Empire at Gaugamela. Now, they’re more likely to be finding a quick route to a party around massive fourth of July fireworks traffic (WHICH I totally did in 2002 by parking across the Sea Bright bridge in the Holy Cross parking lot, walking across the bridge to the fireworks on the beach, catching them, hiking back over the bridge, hopping in the car and taking the back route via Seven Bridges Road to get to my friend’s party in Long Branch in 20 minutes instead of the TWO HOURS it took anyone else to make it to the party. IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!).

I bring this up because I’m currently being put to my greatest man challenge of all time. The wife, having existed in the world of Japan for most of her life, is now trying to adapt to life in the States. I’m constantly posed with problems that require on-the-spot man solutions.

The Creepy Mexican Marionette Puppet Clown thing is a warning to those that might seek to pilfer the soccer ball from the vent

Perhaps my crowning achievement was my solution to the air conditioning problem yesterday. In our transitional period, we’re staying with my ‘rents, who love a constant stream of cold air at a temperature that would kill most Japanese people.

The wife was slowly dying, so we taped the vent shut, closed the door, and opened the windows to the hot and humid world outside, allowing her to live like a shut-in hikikomori in relative comfort, packing on Mt. Everest expedition winter gear for journeys to kitchen and bathroom.

But alas, the tape was no solution.  Condensation was gathering on the tape and dripping down the paint, an event that would drive my mother, a member of the Martha Stewart Army of Perfect Household Percetion, completely insane.

What were we to do?

Like the great Alexander, it was time to put up or shut up. While my dad unscrewed the vent and peered at it in desperation, wondering how equilibrium could be achieved between two womens’ warring viewpoints, we were starring at defeat without a single solution to save us.

That was when I saw it…

Recently unpacked and laying on the ground, was my magical soccer ball, sitting there, waiting for its epic glory, a perfect sphere. The vent was cylindrical. Like two pieces of something important, I looked to the circular vent hole and back at the spherical soccer ball.  Then, like a two-year old sticking cylinder shapes in the cylinder holes and triangle shapes in the triangle holes, I quickly (and without a lot of practical thought) picked up the soccer ball and jammed it in the vent.

I struck a pose like Napoleon standing upon a mountain of victory.

Due to the beauty of physics and scientific shit, we later kinda guessed that the air in the ball was the perfect buffer between the warm, humid air and the cold air coming from the vent. I can’t say I really thought about that at the time, but I will say I’d thought of it in future re-tellings of this tale (Hint: Eventually the vent will be a tiger’s mouth).

The wife is now marginally surviving her borderline hikikomori life, the mother is kind of, somewhat able to deal with the vent not being on the wall, and Alexander the Great can eat a dick, cause I’m fucking amazing!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

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I’ll certainly be telling this story when I’m an 85-year old Alzheimer’s patient to a male nurse named Eduardo in a rest home somewhere in Florida or Arizona. He’ll nod in feigned-approval, knowing it’s best to just let me release some steam, and at at least it’s not the fucking fireworks story for the 1,000th time or telling him they’re secretly poisoning my soup again. It’s best never to get involved in affairs regarding old people and soup.  It never really ends well….

An Intricate Look into the Mind of a Japanese Politician (AKA: You Spin Me Right Round Baby, Right Round, Like a Record, Baby, Right Round, Right Round)

Japanese Political Decision Making Wheel

When Arrow Lands Between Sectors, Take Limo to Park, Lure Homeless Man into Limo, Clean Him Up, Secretly Trade Lives (click to zoom)

A Comprehensive Explanation of the Japan/China Situation for Laymen and Yacht Enthusiasts

chun li vs e honda

This is a visual metaphor to help understand the situation visually with pictures

People back on the”‘sane” side of the world often turn to me like I’m actively involved in shaping the future of Asia. They think I have magical inside knowledge of the tensions between North Korea and the rest of the far East, or that I possess a deep understanding of the going rate of worn school girls’ underwear.

They’ve recently been asking me about all this China and Japan ruckus. I’ve decided to put it in simple terms to help the international community better understand this complex situation:

The Beginning

Japanese Whaling Ship

Fuck, we hit another foreigner!

Japanese people are always hitting foreigners with their boats.

Whenever they journey out into the sea, they inadvertently find ways to crash into some other foreign peoples’ ships. This is why the Tokugawa Shogunate gave up on seafaring and Japan never mastered the art of trans-oceanic travel until the Meiji Chocolate Era.

Japanese people know this. They have an intense fear of everything outside the confines of their happy islands. Japanese tourists know that in their travels they might be forced into a boat, slowly turning the wheel of destiny to lead them into an inadvertent collision with outsiders.

This would be tragically stressful for the Japanese tourist, requiring at least three unique apologetic phrases, much like when entering an elevator*

*Japanese people are also afraid of elevators because you smell funny. They apologize when entering an elevator because they feel sorry that they hate your smell so much. Isn’t that nice of them?

The Problem

Fish cocktail

A Traditional Japanese Breakfast, made from live, screaming baby fish and Shochu

Japanese people despise their gods and shake their fists in contempt at the sky because of the irony of hating boats and having an insatiable appetite for fish.

Every year brave men and women are put through rigorous game show segments where they play human tetris or fall into boiling water. This is meant to weed out the weak, who are thrown into meaningless bureaucratic jobs, much like the babies thrown upon the cliffs of Sparta.

The survivors become Noble Fisherman and Defenders of Japan, constantly wrestling with the fact that they will one day literally collide with their destiny.

The Situation:

The Situation

Not a fish, not even a Lobster, despite Red Skin and Lobster Moves

The Situation between China and Japan:

Reenactment China Japan

China was Hang'n Out with Goats, Mind'n their Biz...

China was in their little boats, get’n all out there, explore’n shit. They found a small island with goats, as seen in the picture above. The goats are represented by coins in the picture because of their value*

*The Chinese like goat island because goats are an important resource in China, accounting for about 27% of China’s current energy systems, a figure estimated to rise by as much as 13% by 2020.  They also like to eat goats.

Japan had previously run a bonito flakes* factory on the island and had decided to check into restarting their operation there.

*Bonito Flakes are a fish based breakfast cereal in Japan

China spotted Japan at full steam off their starboard bow*  They waved goodbye to their goat friends, packed up all their opium, and shipped out to avoid the inevitable collision.

…But Opium makes you slow

*Observant readers might take offense to my nautical terminology, but in China, they use nautical terms opposite the way that you do.

The ships collided and the Japanese Noble Fishermen/Defenders of Japan took the Chinese captain hostage for fraternizing with goats*

*Japanese people hate goats because their meat smells like you smell in an elevator. They will complain about mutton incessantly.

The remaining Chinese were allowed to sail off in their junk ships.

The Hostage

Chinese Fisherman

How Many Birds Does Your Soul Weigh?

From there, the poor fisherman was brought to Japan, throngs of people politely jeering at him and calling him names that could possibly be interpreted as offensive, then apologizing to their hostage in case they’d offended him.

He was brought to their Great Hall, to meet their tiny Emperor on his cute little throne. The Emperor commanded his servants to bring the ceremonial birds to weigh the fisherman’s soul in an ancient Japanese ritual of weighing peoples’ souls with birds*

*Birds are important to Asians, look at Asian shit in Asian museums for more information

The Bird Weighing Ceremony was complex, vague,and a waste of time, giving the poor Chinese fisherman valuable insight into the Japanese Political System, but one does not question mystical Asian shit.

The Response

mochi

All Your Mochi Are Belong to Us, Bitches!

The Chinese media caught wind of their fisherman’s capture and the populace responded, suspending all production of Omiyage (translates to ‘Useless Japanese Souvenirs made in China’)  and Omiyage Mochi (‘Crappy Japanese dessert made from beans that functions as a Useless Japanese Souvenir Made in China; A Way to Kill Old People ‘).

Japanese people cannot travel without acquiring Omiyage to bring back to friends and family, even within their own country. This brought Japanese transportation systems to a halt, all people hiding in their homes to avoid travel.

In addition, they were without their Mochi Omiyage supply, the second most important food on the Japanese Food Pyramid next to fish.

Japan was caught in a bind, taking a strong stance against goat fraternization, but now with their populace in fear of leaving their homes. Without people to go fishing and without their mochi imports, Japan was caught between their ideals and their survival.

The Resolution

Geisha

Inside I'm a ball of Hate Rage, but outside I'm passively frown-y

Japan relented and released the Chinese Fisherman. Their stoic response claimed victory, but everyone knew they’d bitched out.

Chun Li Owns Your Soul

U'sa Bitch, Japan!

China welcomed their fisherman hero home with one of those parades with dragons. He became a national hero and they built a Chinese restaurant on the goat island, making him the manager.

He now works there 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days per year. You can even go there on Christmas. Lunch buffets are a reasonable $6.99, Dinner $10.99, drinks not included, please tip the waitstaff.

In Conclusion

I hope I’ve been able to better enlighten people on the various political shadow games behind the scenes here in this interesting world of intrigue. Thank you for joining me on this journey through Eastern Asia. I hoped you’ve enjoyed learning as much as I’ve enjoyed helping open your eyes to this mysterious land of mystery.

Now you’ll sound really smart and worldly at your white people yacht club parties and score mad bitches and cougars.

“Catch the Drift™”

Akio Toyoda

We came in an Audi, because I don't even like the cars that we make

He walked briskly toward the raised stage and took his seat at the desk, the first hints of sweat forming upon his brow. He adjusted his glasses as he sat, the cameras firing off a continuous volley of assailing light.

The foreign press huddled at the foot of the stage like hungry vultures ready to tear him apart. He suddenly wished he’d brushed up on his English since his Babson days. ‘Toyota cars is safety’ had done absolutely nothing to assure investors’ worries during his last conference. He made a mental note not to ask at the end if anyone had any questions.

In the flashes, he could hardly see, but Akio Toyoda calmly half-nodded, half bowed to the assembled media and began.

“I…the people who drive Toyota, the people who care about Toyota, I am a little bit worried about…the, about the style-free cars we offer them.”

Nervously fondling a pen in one hand, trying to indicate calmly with the other, he continued, a picture of one of Toyota’s 2010 lineup hitting the screen behind him.

Toyota Sai Hybrid 2010“We make bored cars.  I, ah, as head of new quality control committee, which was initiated by me in recent days, have looked beyond the problem of maintaining safety cars…”

He nearly smacked his own forehead as he realized his repeated mistake, but soldiered on.

“Customer first is first priority. What does customers want today? I look into customer needs, I see the needs of people of today. In Japan, we drift upon the roads like the spring’s cherry blossoms on the gentle breeze. I, ah, Toyota has lost sight of this.”

The next slide appeared behind Toyoda.

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

“We must reflect on the mistakes which we have made. We try to increase our style better, so our, this kind of style pleases the customer. Toyota must take sexy back. Asian peoples, we enjoy the drifting. I, Toyota, have failed customers to provide them with the Asian drifting experience. So, as President and CEO of Toyota Motor Corporation, I have chosen to recall Toyota vehicles, all Toyota vehicles. ”

The final slide came into view behind him. The cameras fired at their highest intensity.

Shopping Cart Car

“Toyota customers, those which are unhappy with the product which are produced for them, bring their cars to Toyota Dealerships. There, in dealerships, the wheels of the cars will switch with shopping cart wheels to provide better driving experience. If drivers do not wish for the same hope, it is my, ah, our hope that drivers with problems in the current line of cars run their style-free cars off the road without caution.”

Toyoda took a few moments to let the slide speak for itself.

“This reaction is a reaction that is not rash, but I am trying to do this work as soon as possible and with cooperation of our employees and our supplier. I will do my best.”

With that, he rose from his chair bow-nodded one more time to the press, and slowly exited the conference room.

A Lit Cigarette is Carried at the Height of Awesomeness

battle royale smoking manners

For the love of God man, put that lit cigarette away before more people die!

Oh, it didn’t start as a hobby.

In my past life, in America, it wasn’t even something I’d been able to revel in.

Perhaps we have a certain level of awareness about our person, tuned in to the constant barrage of dangers our barbarian society thrusts upon us.

Perhaps we do it differently, like in French films, arm bent casually resting on our knee, slowly inhaling every wonderous gasp of  glory, never far from the wanting mouth.

Maybe on the Great American Plains, while ferrying our cattle across the epic expanse of the great nation, leather jacket, cowboy hat, and boots, that torch a sole beacon of light in the darkness illuminating the great nothing, we have little chance to encounter others around the campfire.

It could also be that in America, people have the sense upon their shoulders not to light children on fire and burn their eyes out with lit cigarettes by mistake (intentionally is quite common). Either that, or they realize that the lawsuits would be intensely draining.

Per chance, we’ve been lucky enough to impart in our children a sense not to run into burning objects. They may have learned that should they see something on fire, it’s best avoided, minus the children who are clever enough to seek lawsuits.

But now I know and I’ve learned to cherish it.

I’ve learned  to love mistakenly burning children with lit cigarettes in my hand.

Who knew it was so common? In America I can’t say I remember a time when I saw that awe-inspiring, 800-degree tiny torch of death ever come dangerously close to a child. It wasn’t something I even knew remotely possible.

I’d burned a few people in bars, even burned myself a few times during some drunken shenanigans, but for some reason, I’d never see many children during these massive nights.

No one ever warned me that if I was completely irresponsible and retarded, I might carelessly burn through a child’s skull with a cigarette dangling idly at my side.

No one ever told me that children are like bears to honey for lit cigarettes, or bomb strapped, navy trained dolphins to enemy vessels.

And no one ever told me how truly flammable children are (Especially the Japanese ones).

I came to Japan and the signs were a constant barrage, everywhere warning me of the dangers.

Japanese Smoking Manners

Big Brother is watching you smoke everywhere, even in helicopters, because Japan is for the Children!

Holding a cigarette in your hand, carelessly burning children had become a gigantic national issue. Japan tobacco itself, continuously conveyed the dangers their own company had unleashed upon the populace.

My students nodded solemnly and in unison not to walk and hold cigarettes, all of them chiming in universally about the dangers children were bound to face.

“You burn childrens!” They Said.

“You will injure childs with flame!” They replied.

“You’ll shoot their eyes out,” They sung.

I didn’t believe them until the day that poor Kintaro found the tip of my cigarette butt like a humming-bird finding the first nectar of spring flowers.

My first victim.

The poor little boy lit up like a Roman candle. As he combusted spontaneously due to my devil’s torch, I gazed in wonderment at the awe-inspiring power I now held in my hand.

Who knew that cigarettes could be so awesomely dangerous? I now understood why Japan had sought to eliminate walking and smoking from the face of the earth! It all made so much sense!

But it was too late…

I’d started smoking more, just for the extra opportunities the addiction allotted me to see fireworks displays of the first order. I started walking around more too, knowing full well that I couldn’t find such displays just sitting in a smoker’s lounge.

I now understood the reason behind their warnings, their failed attempt to keep such awesome power under control.

But I liked mistakenly lighting children on fire with my lit cigarettes, and I couldn’t stop…

As I sit here writing this, in a train station coffee shop smoking section, I see a grandmother enter with two young children in tow. They’re running all over the shop, ambling into chairs and tables, knocking over napkin dispensers.

I slowly take a cigarette out of my breast pocket and raise it to my lips, digging for my lighter deep within my pocket and light the end.

I take a puff of the cigarette and exhale,  letting my arm hang by my side, cigarette smoking at child’s height.

As the child bounds for the flame like a zombie towards brains, the scene fades out…

(Note, the author doesn’t actually smoke, he just thinks it’s absolutely retarded that Japan has to create policy to warn people of what one should naturally have the sense to avoid)


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