I stand here before you today as the newly elected Prime Minister of Japan. I’m not sure how this actually happened. The other day I was pissing off South Korea, taking a non-Japanese war criminal stance even though I once thought they were kinda/maybe war criminals, and before that, I was doing a pretty ho-hum job as a finance minister, mostly just coming away with a well arranged pencil case and a big pile of potentially important paperwork I never finished.
If I had to describe myself as an ice cream flavor, I’d pick vanilla. Vanilla doesn’t scare anyone. It’s not threatening. I’m not going to jumble your senses. I’m not going to stir the pot. I’m just going to keep on being vanilla. Don’t think there will be any real vanilla beans in me either. That would be overpowering. I’m just regular vanilla, made with fake vanilla flavoring, the way Japan likes it.
I guess I got this job because people hate Ozawa. He’s more of a mint ice cream with peanut butter chunks. The public is always interested in his outlandishness, but his flavor is so divisive and repulsive that they fear actually trying him. He could also be Neopolitan, but only after the vanilla is gone. Neopolitan ice cream is weird. Americans like that kind of ice cream, but to me, it offers too many choices and ideas and an unbalanced mix of tastes.
I promise to just phone things in here, and ride the status quo like those before me. Judging from the 1970s-era microphone array in front of me, the public wants Japan moving backwards. As such, I’m happy to oblige.
I may or may not have my hand in various tills. Who really knows, right?
I vow to ride this shitty white whale of an economy and a nuclear disaster into the ground. Whales can’t live on the ground. Then we can either eat it or not eat it, depending on what you think would be best, because again, I wouldn’t want to stir the pot with any wild decisions.
PS: Not only am I boring, but I look like a mudfish or an eel! Use that endlessly in articles on me!!!