An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 1)

At least they throw good parades...

At least they throw good parades...

(Part 2 can be found here)

Ah, North Korea, your retarded younger brother of a country. Whenever he doesn’t get what he wants he starts screaming and moaning and banging his head against the wall until you reach for his little padded football helmet, strap it on, and just let him go back to bashing his head on the wall…

Between China, Russia,  South Korea, the US, Japan and their retarded little bother, a football helmet has been the only real solution to the problem.

Why can we all just man up, get in there and beat that tard until he stops fucking around?

The same reason that you don’t go in and beat up your retarded little brother..because he’s family and there’s some amount of love in the current status quo…

Let’s look at this little dysfunctional family. I’ll start with the anti-Western countries:


Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Russia’s the deadbeat dad. He taught his little tard baby everything he knows, instilling in his son an intense hatred and paranoia of anyone and anything. When other family members mess with lil Kim, lil Kim throws a fit just like daddy would. He learned well from daddy, although he’s even come to the point of being paranoid of daddy too. Meanwhile, Daddy still thinks he’s on baby’s side, but he really hasn’t been around for years cause he’s a douchebag.

So while it appears that Russian influence in North Korea hasn’t fared as well as during Il-Sung’s time as a Russian puppet, possibly due to his even more useless and insane son, the simple fact that Russia maintains a border with Korea makes them somewhat wary of allowing the West to move in and claim it. In their mind, it might be better to have a rogue retarded baby in between them and the west than the actual West itself.

An example of this mentality can be found in Russia’s recent effots to kick the US miltary out of Kyrgyzstan, something my friend over at the France Press Bureau in Almaty, Kazakhstan tipped me off to (seeing hardly any Central Asian news makes it into the Western world.. .a shame really) over many bottles of Vodka. The loss of military bases in Central Asia is slowly hampering America’s ability to fight the war in Afghanistan, something Russia wouldn’t mind seeing, since they no-doubt remain bitter of their failures there as well as not wanting to see a new ‘democratic western nation’ (and I use that term loosely) opening up on their (also loosely, since Kyrgyzstan isn’t technically theirs) border. They get a bit antsy about former allies getting hot and heavy with America (See: Georgia)

They’d rather see a chaotic, terrorist state in that region than a stable, western-controlled country. I’d wager that this is probably a position that comes fairly close to their North Korean policy.


I so successfur and coor!

I so successfur and coor!

China’s the eldest brother. He never really got respect from either his daddy or his mommy. As such, he struck it out on his own. He’s a bit like his dad, but at the end of the day, they don’t much get along. He’s always been extremely protective of his retarded baby brother, ready to intervene whenever any of the family members try to deal with their baby.  He is extremely proud to have achieved so much without the help of his parents and likes to show it.

Since the Korean War, China has referred to their relationship with North Korea as like lips and teeth. Without the two functioning together in partnership, the act of speaking becomes near impossible. In reality, China has often seen itself as better than it’s little brother and during the Korean War, Kim Il-Sung was more likely to find himself at the feet of the Soviets begging for help than at the feet of the Chinese (See: The Coldest Winter, Halberstam).

Still, China has often played the role of ‘savoir’ to the Koreas, whether it be against the Japanese in the 1500s (or failed savior during the Sino-Japanese War in the late 1800s) or vs the Americans and South Koreans in the 1950s. Simply, having Korea there has always been a nice buffer zone for China, some distance between those Western barbarians and those raping and pillaging Japanese bastards.

North Korea

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!


North Korea has been wearing his little football helmet for over 50 years now. He doesn’t care about his father, mother, or brothers. He cares solely for himself and maintaining his most basic of needs. He’s dangerous. He’s a brain-damaged child with extremely sharp toys.

North Korea under Kim il-Jong has drifted towards the realm of complete insanity. Like other insane egomaniacs lucky enough to become dictators, he’s assumed complete control over everything in his country in order to fuel his own personal cult of personality. Beyond building the legend of himself, little else matters. Using millions of lives to fuel that legend is probably not out of the question. As the man borders the end of his life, one wonders what kind of grandiose plan he might wish to accomplish before his death.

That’s it for part one. Tune in tomorrow when I talk about mommy, the middle child, and the retarded baby’s twin brother…

(Part 2)

5 responses to “An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 1)

  1. Damn, those ladies can kick!

  2. It’s really all the country can do….

  3. Excellent posting. Can’t wait to read more about this subject.

  4. OMG! naked korean people is not accepted! what are you people? Are you idiots? stop that right now! you’re a bunch of fucking loosers

  5. Cristiano Ronaldo

    North Korea must be nuked as soon as possible. There is no reason for such a shitty junky retarded people to live. Death to them all.

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