Tag Archives: War

An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 1)

At least they throw good parades...

At least they throw good parades...

(Part 2 can be found here)

Ah, North Korea, your retarded younger brother of a country. Whenever he doesn’t get what he wants he starts screaming and moaning and banging his head against the wall until you reach for his little padded football helmet, strap it on, and just let him go back to bashing his head on the wall…

Between China, Russia,  South Korea, the US, Japan and their retarded little bother, a football helmet has been the only real solution to the problem.

Why can we all just man up, get in there and beat that tard until he stops fucking around?

The same reason that you don’t go in and beat up your retarded little brother..because he’s family and there’s some amount of love in the current status quo…

Let’s look at this little dysfunctional family. I’ll start with the anti-Western countries:

Russia

Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Daddy taught baby everything he knows...

Russia’s the deadbeat dad. He taught his little tard baby everything he knows, instilling in his son an intense hatred and paranoia of anyone and anything. When other family members mess with lil Kim, lil Kim throws a fit just like daddy would. He learned well from daddy, although he’s even come to the point of being paranoid of daddy too. Meanwhile, Daddy still thinks he’s on baby’s side, but he really hasn’t been around for years cause he’s a douchebag.

So while it appears that Russian influence in North Korea hasn’t fared as well as during Il-Sung’s time as a Russian puppet, possibly due to his even more useless and insane son, the simple fact that Russia maintains a border with Korea makes them somewhat wary of allowing the West to move in and claim it. In their mind, it might be better to have a rogue retarded baby in between them and the west than the actual West itself.

An example of this mentality can be found in Russia’s recent effots to kick the US miltary out of Kyrgyzstan, something my friend over at the France Press Bureau in Almaty, Kazakhstan tipped me off to (seeing hardly any Central Asian news makes it into the Western world.. .a shame really) over many bottles of Vodka. The loss of military bases in Central Asia is slowly hampering America’s ability to fight the war in Afghanistan, something Russia wouldn’t mind seeing, since they no-doubt remain bitter of their failures there as well as not wanting to see a new ‘democratic western nation’ (and I use that term loosely) opening up on their (also loosely, since Kyrgyzstan isn’t technically theirs) border. They get a bit antsy about former allies getting hot and heavy with America (See: Georgia)

They’d rather see a chaotic, terrorist state in that region than a stable, western-controlled country. I’d wager that this is probably a position that comes fairly close to their North Korean policy.

China

I so successfur and coor!

I so successfur and coor!

China’s the eldest brother. He never really got respect from either his daddy or his mommy. As such, he struck it out on his own. He’s a bit like his dad, but at the end of the day, they don’t much get along. He’s always been extremely protective of his retarded baby brother, ready to intervene whenever any of the family members try to deal with their baby.  He is extremely proud to have achieved so much without the help of his parents and likes to show it.

Since the Korean War, China has referred to their relationship with North Korea as like lips and teeth. Without the two functioning together in partnership, the act of speaking becomes near impossible. In reality, China has often seen itself as better than it’s little brother and during the Korean War, Kim Il-Sung was more likely to find himself at the feet of the Soviets begging for help than at the feet of the Chinese (See: The Coldest Winter, Halberstam).

Still, China has often played the role of ‘savoir’ to the Koreas, whether it be against the Japanese in the 1500s (or failed savior during the Sino-Japanese War in the late 1800s) or vs the Americans and South Koreans in the 1950s. Simply, having Korea there has always been a nice buffer zone for China, some distance between those Western barbarians and those raping and pillaging Japanese bastards.

North Korea

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!

Japanese Beer brewed from real Japanese People!

I R Retard!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

North Korea has been wearing his little football helmet for over 50 years now. He doesn’t care about his father, mother, or brothers. He cares solely for himself and maintaining his most basic of needs. He’s dangerous. He’s a brain-damaged child with extremely sharp toys.

North Korea under Kim il-Jong has drifted towards the realm of complete insanity. Like other insane egomaniacs lucky enough to become dictators, he’s assumed complete control over everything in his country in order to fuel his own personal cult of personality. Beyond building the legend of himself, little else matters. Using millions of lives to fuel that legend is probably not out of the question. As the man borders the end of his life, one wonders what kind of grandiose plan he might wish to accomplish before his death.

That’s it for part one. Tune in tomorrow when I talk about mommy, the middle child, and the retarded baby’s twin brother…

(Part 2)

Why Smashed and Sinking?

 

Since the men were busy, Japanese propaganda was designed mostly by 6 year olds

Since the men were busy, Japanese propaganda was designed mostly by 6 year olds

Many people always wonder where I got the name for this blog…

Actually, since I named it yesterday, ZERO people have ever wondered.

I often relate my current state of affairs in life, whether it be trapped under an immense load of work, stuck in a fake earthquake, or just plain drunk at 4 AM with the term “Smashed and Sinking!!!”

You might think it has nothing to do with Japan at all, just a way of describing when my state of inebriation eclipses the point of no return.

You’d be wrong…

I’m the kind of guy that likes weird things. I’m still out there quoting phrases from Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, something even fans of the TV show often don’t put much stock in. That’s just the kind of person I am. I like weird, archaic shit. I’m not some kind of indie snob that loves rare stuff so that he can lord over people with his knowledge of things they know nothing about.  I’m just the kind of guy that gravitates towards weird shit.

Picture this: The 1980s, summer afternoons, it’s raining.  Normally I’d be at the beach, but today, because of the rain, I’m stuck at home. I’ve seen all the cartoons, watched Temple of Doom 3 times, beaten Super Mario and no friends are around to play Techmo Bowl with. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was fucked…

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I go where no child ever goes once they reach beyond the age of about five:

I turn to PBS

PBS is a child’s nightmare, filled with loads upon loads of classical music, old people talking about art, and news shows that make children want to peel out their eyeballs. Beyond a few instances where I turned in desperation to find something random and wacky like the Beatles’s ‘Help,’ it was truly a no-mans-land of absolute desperation and suffering.

I would have easily chosen being the guy in the lava cage with his heart ripped out in temple of doom over watching PBS.

But sometimes, when Mars and Venus were in perfect matching orbits and both lunar and solar eclipses aligned there was one thing a child could get into:

Motherfucking Victory at Sea!

Motherfucking Victory at Sea could grab an American child of any generation with the swelling music at the beginning, the churning seas and the words that said something about being made by the Navy.

If you were lucky enough to stumble upon Motherfucking Victory at Sea, you knew you were in for something special. Millions of American children from 1952 and on were witness to one of the coolest fucking propaganda devices ever created.

Using a combination of footage from WW II, without any historical eye for how that footage was arranged, stuff being recycled left and right at wrong times, along with model boats in bathtubs exploding, and guys sitting in fake airplane cockpits or behind fake guns on a soundstage, this is maybe one of the best propaganda documentaries ever made.

While it covers all areas of the war and all sides of the conflict, the major focus of the show is on America being completely fucking badass and kicking everyones’ asses all over the globe.

If you’re 8 years old and American, running around with your friends on a nice Saturday afternoon with your toy guns and camo pants, this rain day of massive American awesomeness (usually a marathon no less) was enough to make your head explode.

It was the kind of fuel that got kids jazzed up enough to go abroad and kills all kinds of assorted people for America in all kinds of future wars.

Motherfucking Victory at Sea was fucking awesome!

The narrator’s booming voice carried you across the theaters of war, from Pearl Harbor to Midway, to Okinawa, to fucking nuclear annihilation! His most famous line, one I like to think was all the rage with kids in the 1950s was uttered whenever we lit up any kind of ship or boat of the enemy.

He’d rattle of the name of the ship and then follow it up with an epic “Smashed and Sinking!!!”  It was the coolest thing ever.

Playing outside with our stolen gunpowder and any fireworks we could get our hands on, Motherfucking Victory at Sea taught us that we were badass and that someday, if we were lucky, we’d get to nuke far away,  different peoples and sink all their boats!

And we would leave them all laying in our wake, smashed and sinking!

Sometimes Americans people talk about all these Communist countries and their massive propaganda machines that brainwashed their entire nations. While in Kazakhstan, I even had the pleasure of watching the old Russian propaganda channels, and while cool, they could do to have a little bit more smashing, perhaps a small dose of sinking. 

American propaganda rocks!

So like Motherfucking Victory at Sea, I work my way through Japan, leaving many things smashed and sinking, destroying social norms, tossing aside taboos, and just plain fucking with people. 

Cause like the Yamato, sometimes everyone needs a little dose of Smashed and Sinking (I even do it to myself sometimes)!