Tag Archives: USA

Providing Man-Solutions Since 1980

There are certain instances in time that a man never forgets…

They’re locked into his head as “man moments” for all eternity. He’ll fondly recall them often and without prompting, over and over again for the duration of his lifetime, likely expecting his feats to be carried down as oral legends on through to future generations.

Over two thousand years ago, these moments  would have been something akin to Alexander the Great breaking the back of the Persian Empire at Gaugamela. Now, they’re more likely to be finding a quick route to a party around massive fourth of July fireworks traffic (WHICH I totally did in 2002 by parking across the Sea Bright bridge in the Holy Cross parking lot, walking across the bridge to the fireworks on the beach, catching them, hiking back over the bridge, hopping in the car and taking the back route via Seven Bridges Road to get to my friend’s party in Long Branch in 20 minutes instead of the TWO HOURS it took anyone else to make it to the party. IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!).

I bring this up because I’m currently being put to my greatest man challenge of all time. The wife, having existed in the world of Japan for most of her life, is now trying to adapt to life in the States. I’m constantly posed with problems that require on-the-spot man solutions.

The Creepy Mexican Marionette Puppet Clown thing is a warning to those that might seek to pilfer the soccer ball from the vent

Perhaps my crowning achievement was my solution to the air conditioning problem yesterday. In our transitional period, we’re staying with my ‘rents, who love a constant stream of cold air at a temperature that would kill most Japanese people.

The wife was slowly dying, so we taped the vent shut, closed the door, and opened the windows to the hot and humid world outside, allowing her to live like a shut-in hikikomori in relative comfort, packing on Mt. Everest expedition winter gear for journeys to kitchen and bathroom.

But alas, the tape was no solution.  Condensation was gathering on the tape and dripping down the paint, an event that would drive my mother, a member of the Martha Stewart Army of Perfect Household Percetion, completely insane.

What were we to do?

Like the great Alexander, it was time to put up or shut up. While my dad unscrewed the vent and peered at it in desperation, wondering how equilibrium could be achieved between two womens’ warring viewpoints, we were starring at defeat without a single solution to save us.

That was when I saw it…

Recently unpacked and laying on the ground, was my magical soccer ball, sitting there, waiting for its epic glory, a perfect sphere. The vent was cylindrical. Like two pieces of something important, I looked to the circular vent hole and back at the spherical soccer ball.  Then, like a two-year old sticking cylinder shapes in the cylinder holes and triangle shapes in the triangle holes, I quickly (and without a lot of practical thought) picked up the soccer ball and jammed it in the vent.

I struck a pose like Napoleon standing upon a mountain of victory.

Due to the beauty of physics and scientific shit, we later kinda guessed that the air in the ball was the perfect buffer between the warm, humid air and the cold air coming from the vent. I can’t say I really thought about that at the time, but I will say I’d thought of it in future re-tellings of this tale (Hint: Eventually the vent will be a tiger’s mouth).

The wife is now marginally surviving her borderline hikikomori life, the mother is kind of, somewhat able to deal with the vent not being on the wall, and Alexander the Great can eat a dick, cause I’m fucking amazing!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

.

I’ll certainly be telling this story when I’m an 85-year old Alzheimer’s patient to a male nurse named Eduardo in a rest home somewhere in Florida or Arizona. He’ll nod in feigned-approval, knowing it’s best to just let me release some steam, and at at least it’s not the fucking fireworks story for the 1,000th time or telling him they’re secretly poisoning my soup again. It’s best never to get involved in affairs regarding old people and soup.  It never really ends well….

An Idiot’s Guide to the Situation in North Korea (Part 2)

(Part 1 can be found here)

 

South Korea

 

 

A fairly rational form of protest...

A fairly rational form of protest...

 

South Korea is the twin brother of North Korea. While slightly less insane, he can often toss rational thought and common sense out the window just as easily.  He’s jealous of his older brother and sister’s successes and has little love for either his mother or his father. He compensates for this inferiority complex by lashing out, much like his twin brother, minus the intense paranoia.

South and North Korea have seen times of cooperation via their various attempts at trade agreements (which will probably remain mostly one way, unless communist hats become all the rage). Unfortunately, in this scenario, each sees the other as the more retarded brother. The North longs for the day it can unite (AKA: win the Korean War) with South Korea under its terms and the South wishes much of the same, but under their terms. They will continue to knock heads endlessly, to the point where they might both want to try on football helmets.

The fact that South Korea is aligned with the West marks them distrustful to the China/Russia/N. Korea block, and the fact that the Korean War has never actually ended doesn’t help to relieve any tensions on the issue.

 

The United States

 

 

Mommy always gets what she wants

Mommy always gets what she wants

The Unites States is mommy. Unfortunately, mommy is a bit of a whore, traveling around the world and finding herself in bed with most anyone and everyone. She had a brief fling with daddy (Russia, Part 1) about 60 years ago, but they haven’t gotten along much since. Both think they have the right to all their children and pretty much everything else in the world. Mommy gets along with the one twin and the middle sister mostly because they let mommy crash at their places whenever she’s out whoring. She gets pissed off that the others don’t do the same.

 

Calling North Korea part of ‘The Axis of Evil‘ really did no wonders in helping American relations with the rogue nation, but beyond increasing hatred on the part of North Koreans of America (something already seen as fairly strong anyway), the real issue still lies in some of the ties and past hatreds mentioned above. Russia and China are likely as sick of Kim Il-Jong as America is, but the need for a buffer between the West and their states trumps the sickening feeling that hits them whenever Il-Jong does something dumb. Dealing with their retard brother is stressful and time consuming, but worth it.

America can’t even fart in the general direction of  North Korea without the consent of Russia and China, something which isn’t so likely to happen, and if it was somehow possible to form a coalition between all these parties to pursue military action (highly unlikely with all these loose threads and hatreds from past conflicts and wars), the US military is not ready to open up a third front of warfare anyway. Her hands are tied.

 

Japan

 

 

I used to be somebody!

I used to be somebody!

 

Japan’s the middle sister. She hates her brothers and often pretends they’re not even related.  Many years ago she got sick of being ignored and struck it out on her own. She did fairly well until mommy came around and bitch-slapped her back down to earth, but she’s a tenacious one and she came back around from that. She managed to claw her way out beyond her retarded family, winning prom queen and beauty pageants galore. Unfortunately, today she’s more of a faded beauty queen, living off past glories. Her voice is deeper from all the booze and cigarettes and you could tell she was once a looker, but has kinda lost her luster. She still acts like a beauty queen though. She doesn’t like what her family’s up to, but lacks the power or care to really do anything about it, cause she’s a pussy (pun intended) and a dram queen.

As a resident of Japan, a tangible sense of fear can be felt whenever North Korea does much of anything, but these people  go balls deep apeshit over most any minor crisis. Paranoia would be an understatement. While they see the N.K. state as inferior, they’re not anywhere near making a move towards stopping them, due to the constraints of their constitution and a very peace-at-all-costs minded people.

Il-Jong sees no problem in stretching their peaceful nature to its limits, knowing that Japan will do little to stop him. He knows that firing missiles at South Korea is bound to start a war, but shooting missiles over Japan stirs little action.

While allied with the West, they can actually consider themselves under some amount of threat from North Korea. The majority of missiles fired and tests are shot in the direction (or over) Japan.

China and Russia may get antsy at the idea, but Japan seems like the only real country with a tangible gripe that could be considered more of a threat to their own security than any posturing by a Western nation to exert control of the region. It might be seen as acceptable, yet isolated enough to not reignite the Korean War.

Recent articles point to Japan both lifting its embargo on manufacturing weapons and considering preemptive strikes. Apparently they may be pondering the same thing.

If they consider such actions they might want to consider sending back some ears to Korea, taking the war criminals out of Yasukuni shrine, and striking some deals with Russia involving land to the north, as it seems any move on retarded little North Korea is bound to piss off someone in the family.

What do you all think about the situation over here?

Why Smashed and Sinking?

 

Since the men were busy, Japanese propaganda was designed mostly by 6 year olds

Since the men were busy, Japanese propaganda was designed mostly by 6 year olds

Many people always wonder where I got the name for this blog…

Actually, since I named it yesterday, ZERO people have ever wondered.

I often relate my current state of affairs in life, whether it be trapped under an immense load of work, stuck in a fake earthquake, or just plain drunk at 4 AM with the term “Smashed and Sinking!!!”

You might think it has nothing to do with Japan at all, just a way of describing when my state of inebriation eclipses the point of no return.

You’d be wrong…

I’m the kind of guy that likes weird things. I’m still out there quoting phrases from Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, something even fans of the TV show often don’t put much stock in. That’s just the kind of person I am. I like weird, archaic shit. I’m not some kind of indie snob that loves rare stuff so that he can lord over people with his knowledge of things they know nothing about.  I’m just the kind of guy that gravitates towards weird shit.

Picture this: The 1980s, summer afternoons, it’s raining.  Normally I’d be at the beach, but today, because of the rain, I’m stuck at home. I’ve seen all the cartoons, watched Temple of Doom 3 times, beaten Super Mario and no friends are around to play Techmo Bowl with. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was fucked…

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I go where no child ever goes once they reach beyond the age of about five:

I turn to PBS

PBS is a child’s nightmare, filled with loads upon loads of classical music, old people talking about art, and news shows that make children want to peel out their eyeballs. Beyond a few instances where I turned in desperation to find something random and wacky like the Beatles’s ‘Help,’ it was truly a no-mans-land of absolute desperation and suffering.

I would have easily chosen being the guy in the lava cage with his heart ripped out in temple of doom over watching PBS.

But sometimes, when Mars and Venus were in perfect matching orbits and both lunar and solar eclipses aligned there was one thing a child could get into:

Motherfucking Victory at Sea!

Motherfucking Victory at Sea could grab an American child of any generation with the swelling music at the beginning, the churning seas and the words that said something about being made by the Navy.

If you were lucky enough to stumble upon Motherfucking Victory at Sea, you knew you were in for something special. Millions of American children from 1952 and on were witness to one of the coolest fucking propaganda devices ever created.

Using a combination of footage from WW II, without any historical eye for how that footage was arranged, stuff being recycled left and right at wrong times, along with model boats in bathtubs exploding, and guys sitting in fake airplane cockpits or behind fake guns on a soundstage, this is maybe one of the best propaganda documentaries ever made.

While it covers all areas of the war and all sides of the conflict, the major focus of the show is on America being completely fucking badass and kicking everyones’ asses all over the globe.

If you’re 8 years old and American, running around with your friends on a nice Saturday afternoon with your toy guns and camo pants, this rain day of massive American awesomeness (usually a marathon no less) was enough to make your head explode.

It was the kind of fuel that got kids jazzed up enough to go abroad and kills all kinds of assorted people for America in all kinds of future wars.

Motherfucking Victory at Sea was fucking awesome!

The narrator’s booming voice carried you across the theaters of war, from Pearl Harbor to Midway, to Okinawa, to fucking nuclear annihilation! His most famous line, one I like to think was all the rage with kids in the 1950s was uttered whenever we lit up any kind of ship or boat of the enemy.

He’d rattle of the name of the ship and then follow it up with an epic “Smashed and Sinking!!!”  It was the coolest thing ever.

Playing outside with our stolen gunpowder and any fireworks we could get our hands on, Motherfucking Victory at Sea taught us that we were badass and that someday, if we were lucky, we’d get to nuke far away,  different peoples and sink all their boats!

And we would leave them all laying in our wake, smashed and sinking!

Sometimes Americans people talk about all these Communist countries and their massive propaganda machines that brainwashed their entire nations. While in Kazakhstan, I even had the pleasure of watching the old Russian propaganda channels, and while cool, they could do to have a little bit more smashing, perhaps a small dose of sinking. 

American propaganda rocks!

So like Motherfucking Victory at Sea, I work my way through Japan, leaving many things smashed and sinking, destroying social norms, tossing aside taboos, and just plain fucking with people. 

Cause like the Yamato, sometimes everyone needs a little dose of Smashed and Sinking (I even do it to myself sometimes)!