Tag Archives: swine flu

Southern Japan Nearly Destroyed by Pseudo-Mexicans

Taking a train around lunchtime on Wednesday, perusing my usual stream of twitter feeds on the cellular, I’m somewhat befuddled to find Latino Review retweeting info that a massive earthquake had hit Southern Japan:

<< RT @BreakingNews: BULLETIN — MASSIVE 7.6-MAGNITUDE EARTHQUAKE ROCKS SOUTHERN JAPAN – NHK>>

My first thoughts:

Why the fucking is Latino Review telling me about major disasters? How does this in any way fall under their qualifications?

I’ve never quite gotten what those dudes are all about. They’re somehow a racially niche-ed movie review site that drops scoops on movies and scripts via audio (ungodly annoying…just let me read shit, I hate waiting!) in which they talk with a fairly standard English accent unless they encounter Spanish words, suddenly shifting their voice to say jalapeños, pantalones, or habaneros like a Mexican would, before switching back to sounding like a regular English-speaking person.

That’s their entire game…

It’s like watching Rick Sanchez on CNN when he tries to prove his Mexican roots by constantly telling everyone his parents don’t speak English and that he’s a minority, even though he sounds like a fucking dating game show host and looks like an all-American douchebag.

Meanwhile, Caucasian review is being sued by the entire universe for their white, cracker takes on movie and scripts. They didn’t like that there weren’t enough white actors cast in “Madea Goes to Jail.”

So back to Latino Review…I was somewhat confused the other day when they branched out to reviewing iPhone peripherals, but now suddenly they’re also informing me about epic natural disasters via twitter updates.

This was when a second round of thoughts rolled through my head:

I live in Southern Japan

How did I miss an entire earthquake? I’m not always the most perceptive person when I’m pissed off and angry during a midday commute, but I’m pretty good at sensing when the entire world starts shaking violently.

Twitter ignited like forest fire and soon tweets were coming in from all parts of the globe, informing us all to pray for the people of Southern Japan, trapped in rubble and suffering from the massive, shallow 7.6 that rocked us back into the stone age.

I’m on a train with a bunch of bored students and elderly people that look dead and very well might be. Hardly seems like an earthquake just hit us, although it might explain why everyone looks deprived of any visable signs of life.

Twenty minutes later, new tweets come through.  The Japanese government is apologizing profusely to Sky News, Reuters, and just about every other government and news service throughout the world for conducting a test of their emergency systems with a fake earthquake, but neglecting to tell anyone that it was a test. Sky News was literally tossing out “breaking story” shit on TV about it.

Japan’s a silly little island. I’m fairly sure they’d be pretty happy if the entire rest of the world just fell off the map, leaving them alone in their little paranoid world of hello kitty facemasks and wacky bathroom sandals, but damn if they don’t sometimes just forget the rest of the world exists.

When it was all said and done later in the day, Japanese News basically skipped over the entire ordeal, instead maintaining their theme of “24 hour- a-day swine flu panic-a-thon!”  Even now, the only major source of information I have on it beyond old tweets is an extremely well written Reuters article explaining that “Witnesses in southern Japan said they had felt no shaking.”

I’m still mentally working out how one is able to be a witness and yet not see anything, but that’s beyond the point.

It’s absolutely amazing in revealing twitter’s insane ability to spread unnecessary panic. Someone will definitely start an awesome hoax on twitter in the near future that will freak the fuck out of everyone.

Wait…Japan already did that by mistake…

Next time there’s a real earthquake, we might all just assume they’re being morons again and fail to respond. Sucks to be you, Japan!

Anyway, Mom, Dad, friends, twitterverse, I’m just fine, thanks.

Also: Fuck you Latino Review, go do something that stereotypically makes sense, like being illogically obsessed with Morrissey.

(PS: Why does Morrissey exist in my word spell check? That’s kinda creepy)