Tag Archives: Election

If it Bleeds, We Can Kill it (Although I hope it stays alive so we can suck it dry some more)

It's not a downward shift really, more of a horizontal shift. I'm just picking a new head.

It's not a downward shift really, more of a horizontal shift. I'm just picking a new head.

I’ve renounced my candidacy for leading Japan.

It’s become apparent to me that whoever ends up in the tops spot justs get shit on. As such, I’ve decided to refocus my campaign on the micro-level.

I’m running for mayor of Takamatsu.

When you’re at the top of this multi-headed hydra, you have to manage a zillion ravenous, begging dogs, all jumping at the slightest hint of a handout.

But as a mayor, I get to over-inflate budgets and carve away bits and pieces of cash on endless projects, pocketing a bit of extra change for myself.

So here’s the platform:

1) I’d fire the people that are occasionally hired to sit at intersections all day and push switches, I’m not sure what the hell they do, but it doesn’t seem like anything has improved. Go home and turn the light on and off.

2) Unicycles are the future. Every elementary school kid learns to use one, and yet my city is still over-cluttered with traditional two-wheeled bikes. Meanwhile, unicycles are compact enough to take into the office with you. Companies short on cash could stop investing in chairs and instead advocate a unicycle policy. They could say it’s part of their campaign to stamp out metabo. With less health care to dish out, we can reduce those costs too, minus unicycle accidents.

3) I’m gonna have a little talk with JR about their employment system in my city’s station. They used to have traditional human ticket stampers. They were recently replaced by machines. Unfortunately, they weren’t fired. Now they just stand around nervously staring at people and trying to thank everyone. Meanwhile, this somehow hasn’t left them any extra time to actually figure out how to do their job. They still completely break down whenever asked a question about anything that doesn’t involve stamping.

4) There will no longer be 10 city workers doing road construction when one would do. I suppose we do this in America too, but the key is that we’re only paying one of them. The other 9 are Mexicans. Here we’re paying 10 people to stand next to arrow signs and assure that people realize there’s a blinking arrow sign there. Go wave flags at home.

5) Those barrier construction frogs? How did those meetings even pan out?

City Worker #1: So, it looks like we’re all set on the budget for this year’s road construction and maintenance.

City Worker #2: Wait, we forgot the frog and kangaroo construction barricades!

City Worker #1: Good Call! Tack on another 20,000,000 yen!

Not only do they use these silly things, but they use about a thousand more than needed.  It’s fucking construction. It doesn’t have to look nice, and drunk foreign people keep trying to steal them anyway.

6) The economy’s in the tank. There are thousands of drunk salarymen wandering around on a Friday night that can’t get more money out of the ATM to hit up the snacks and soaplands. 24 hour-ATMs can save the economy. People will mindlessly pull money out and recklessly spend it like wildfire at 4am, just like they do everywhere else in the world. I’d also consider keeping pachinko parlors open, but that’d just support North Korea. You don’t need to give people gov cash to get them to spend it. Just get them to make poor judgement decisions with epic wads of cash while under the influence. That’s a surefire way to save the economy!

7) I’m scrapping the bus system. Two people in this city use buses. Taxis shouldn’t cost more when I step into one than traveling around for an hour in Seoul. With no buses, taxis will become cheaper.

8) I’m cutting back the putrid, soulless festivals put on near the train station at Sunport. The evening news often shows a sea of old spectators with bored, sad looks in their eyes that somehow felt obligated to attend these weekly debacles even though it’s obviously killing them. These events include attempts by amateurs to do extremely complicated and traditional Japanese arts and other mind-numbing ideas. It’s kind of like getting sucked into someones travel photo presentation. It’s obviously killing the residents of this city to watch Bunraku done by local 85 year olds that picked up the hobby last week or having a culturelogue on Italy by a lady who went there once 40 years ago.

9) In my neighborhood, some ‘neighborhood events organizer’ comes around and takes cash from every household so that they can fund various  events and activities. Good Idea. I’m going to be going door to door asking for direct funds from time to time too. It’s great, cause it’s under the table, so you don’t have to report it to anyone and I won’t tax it or anything. If this ATM thing doesn’t pan out, expect to see me occasionally at around 3 am. We’ll call it “community connecting” time.

10) I’m putting a stop to those damn Lion Dances. Dudes come by my house at 5am and dance around and then want money. If this was America at 5am, I’d be fucking shooting at you for stepping on my property and waking me up at 5am. Yall complain about having to do the dance for an entire weekend, then take the money and just have a party. How about no hard dance to waste your weekend, no taking of my money, and no party? It’s like a happy middle ground.

11) I’d aquire a few predator drones with acoustic equipment for finding vans blaring out advertisments for nationalism, sweet potatoes, 2nd hand goods, or political competition. They’ll be missile equipped. This would have the added benefit of silencing my rivals, since the only way they know how to campaign is through noise pollution.

12) I’d change that thing where you have to visit about 30 different people at your local immigration office to pay for stuff and get stamps and bribe people and waste hours up hours of your life just to get a sticker to leave the country and return. This isn’t fucking Soviet Communist Russia, we shouldn’t have to create such archaic systems just to employ people and waste the rest of the world’s time.

13) I’d pocket all the money saved in the above ideas, which would leave me about on par with anyone else currently leading.

Boggling the Mind with Verbs that Sometimes MoonLight as Nouns! (Hope! Change! Fuck!)

Who gives a fuck about Japan? This Guy!

Who gives a fuck about Japan? This Guy!

While I sit here being heckled at by men and women standing on vans, screaming out how they will change Japan without ever actually offering any tangible plans, I figure that I’m as good as anyone to really lead Japan.

Here is my platform:

1) I won’t stand on a van and heckle you, ever. I’ll be sure to get out there and shake babies and kiss women in a civil and educated manner. I’m not Asian, but where I come from, when Asians speak through loudspeakers, people bug out and grab rifles. Even I have war flashbacks when I hear them screaming, and I’ve only been to wars in Asia via movies.

2) I’ll sell all the stockpiled whale to either a country that’s really hungry or some Nordic country that actually likes eating the shit. Cause right now there’s just a bunch of frozen whale sitting around and I think I might be the only one eating it. We could even send it to North Korea, so they’d get even stupider on Mercury poisoning.

3) Ever time North Korea raises a missile, I’ll blow it up, claim self defense, and then egg them on about that awesome brown water navy they possess, then watch as Kim Il-Jong flips out and sends his millions swimming across the Sea of Japan.

4) I’ll fire all politicians above 60. You ever see an American NFL football coach? Those guys put in about 18 hours a day of work during the season. At about 65, their skills suddenly wane. This goes for Generals too (I’m looking at you MacArthur). Why? Because old people need to sleep a lot and take little naps all the time. I want people who are burning the midnight oil to get shit done. Japan needs some fresh thinking, not someone who goes to bed at 7:00 and falls asleep during meetings.

5) I hate washing out containers and cutting juice boxes. I shouldn’t have to worry about that shit. From now on, all trash goes into one bin and it goes to jail, where prisoners sort it out in some wacky jail factory combo thing. You can also send bad junior high school children there until they shape up.

6) I’ll put TV Talents in (Hand Quotes) “Talent Camps” where they’d be reeducated on the exact concept of talent….they might also be put to death.

7) I’ll have traps installed in the vending machines that dispense the “salary man failure” items that men bring home to their wives after spending all night with snack ladies and in a love hotel with their mistress, coming home to a wife with a box of chocolates and some flowers he got by putting some coins in a slot. They will now chop off his hands, cause he’s a useless douche.

8) I’ll change cool biz so that people can wear comfortable clothes in the summer AND use the AC at a normal fucking temperature. Fuck it man, there are other ways to save the environment and work productivity takes a dive when everyone is casually dressed and hot. It takes the average Japanese person about 3 hours to complain about the weather and this nation doesn’t need anymore wasted productivity.

9) New Code: An even number of bows means I’m sincere in my apology, an odd number of bows mean I really don’t give a fuck. Here’s a hint: My lucky number is 7.

10) The Seto Naikai area is famous for its legends of pirates, plundering, striking fear, and hiding out in the thousands of islands of the inland sea. Japanese pirates plying the coasts, towns and vaginas of Korea is also part of a very rich Japanese history. Under my administration, we’ll get back to our pirating roots.

11) Sports festivals will no longer consist of events lacking entirely of sports. We’ll now do things obviously recognized by the world community as tangible and actual sports, not just a bunch of weird shit we made up. There will be no oddly coordinated, semi-homosexual dance routines either, unless your kid goes to a school for semi-homosexuals.

12) People will be allowed to express their actual opinions. When I tell someone that I went to a tea ceremony this weekend, they won’t have to say “Sugoi!” anymore, they can just say “Awe, I bet that sucked ass.” When they eat a piece of food they don’t like, they will no longer have to scream out “Oishii!” They will be allowed to say “This tastes like dog feces, but slimier.”

13) I’ll change the Japanese word for Octopus from Taco to something else. I get really pissed off when I go to a Japanese Mexican restaurants and see ‘tacos’ on the menu and order only to find that I get one lonely, sad and depressing, fucking taco. Don’t do me like that, Japan. Tacos should mean a plethora of Mexican delight, not one.

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