So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish!

Of course it's schoolsgirls saying goodbye, it's ALWAYS schoolgirls

Of course it's schoolsgirls saying goodbye, it's ALWAYS schoolgirls

With Japan’s suicide rate climbing to record levels, Japanse men choosing to either find 2-D preteen lovers or just opting out of the war of the sexes entirely, women trapped in sexless and unfulfilling marriages, and one of the lowest birthrates in the world, Japan seems to find itself in an extremely precarious situation.

Then again, maybe it’s just the country’s collective culture charting a bold new path for their society.

Maybe, in throwing marriage by the wayside, maintaining virginity until death (well, not pocket vagina or rabbit virginity), and deciding that having cool clothes, fun video games, and a really awesome love doll are better than bothering to meet people, socialize, and potentially fuck, marry and live with them they’re charting a path towards a fresh new model for their society.

They’ve chosen a completely new social paradigm.

Like bees sending signals to their entire hive-mind, Japan has collectively decided to commit suicide as one.

Suicide, once seen as a way out for individuals without hope for their future, as a way to achieve glory in crashing into boats, or as an end to an indoor BBQ party, has gone meta.

Japan is seeking to become a martyr nation, a signpost to future civilizations about the perils of what may lie ahead by quitting and completely opting out of a future.

As their carnivorous girls dream of trips to Korea or beyond, to meet men with a bit of gumption, as their own men, sitting at brunch with their prepubescent love pillow or simply working beyond the realms of their wives and family, and as their children become more and more like the kids in Battle Royale, Japan is collectively deciding to delete its genetics from the face of this earth.

It’s like a 120 million-strong, extreme performance art piece:

As they slowly faded into oblivion, they bowed their heads and walked off into the sunrise, leaving only a note behind…

“Dear world,

We’ve decided to collectively leave you.

Although in life, we were always overly bitchy about how only Japanese people could do Japanese things, we’ve finally come to the realization that the majority of the people who hold our arts, culture and tentacle porn in such high regard aren’t even Japanese anymore.

The average Japanese person doesn’t know Noh from Kabuki and could actually care less about them.

We’ve become more concerned about building a giant life-sized fucking Gundam and creating other escapist entertainment to help salve our wounded and decaying lives than actually trying to deal with any of our social or political problems, just averting our eyes and pining for days of old, pointing fingers at everyone but ourselves, and blaming Korea.

As such, we’ve decided to cash in our chips and close the book on a few thousands years of culture and development. It’s readily apparent that at some point, we took a wrong turn, and while we’re happy to have created a culture that is beloved by many a wide-eyed foreigner, it’s just time we sail on.

So long, and thanks for all the fish,

-Japan”

7 responses to “So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish!

  1. Love it. But it’s not only Japan up shit creek without a paddle. Seems your homeland has a few problems too:

  2. Love the line “That’s some crack-head got some bad crack”.

    Quality.

  3. Pingback: The Flashing Mini Statue of Liberty on the River and ‘Club Feel’ say otherwise… « Smashed and Sinking!!!

  4. There are a lot of problems with population demographics worldwide at the moment. Europe, for example, also has negative population growth in many parts, which is essentially sending their economy down the toilet. But then you have Africa, with birth rates sky high, and poverty galore. It isn’t a localised thing as such, not in the sense of only one country suffering. I guess the problem is that we are passing through each phase of population growth, and wondering where we’re headed next. It’s a pretty bleak future, looking at the aging populations and lack of workers to uphold our current social structure. But who can say.
    Still, appreciate the views.

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