Weird Stuff Japan Loves (Volume One: Celebrity Edition)

Japan’s an isolated island nation with a mind all its own. When you come to these shores, you’re bound to find that people revel in charging ahead against the rest of the universe, like salmon swimming up a river.

This leads to some pretty wacky shit.

While the rest of the worldenjoys a picturesque stroll under a romantic sunset, they climb to the top of Mt. Fuji with vim and vigor to bask in the glow of an early sunrise.

They do things their way…

And so I introduce to you, Weird Stuff Japan Likes.

Today, let’s look at a few of the foreign celebrities that have made it to the shores of bizarro land. These are the folks that people go absolutely apeshit insane over when they arrive at Narita airport:

Harry Potter

harrypotterguy

I don’t use his real name, because no one here knows it here. If you ask a student about Harry Potter, their eyes will glow with creepy childlike sexual desire, but they’ll lack all ability to actually separate reality from a fictional movie about a boy who plays with his broom handle too much.

The movie recently premiered in Japan, and with good reason. The books have done gangbusters here and are translated about as fast as you can churn them out, and the movies have filled theaters with viewers.

Hordes of followers eagerly awaited his arrival at the airport and world premier in Tokyo.

Take a moment to look at the picture above.

Take a good, long look at it. Soak it in, bask in his…

His…

His resemblance to a real life Gollum?

Is this not one of the ugliest people whose ever managed to become famous?

What the fuck is wrong with his hair? If he’s playing “Lenny” in some new take on “Of Mice and Men,” I can totally support this retarded haircut.

It looks like his blind mother dresses him and he’s been hanging out beyond the realm of sunlight for the past 300 years.

This is what causes Japanese girls to cream their pants?

Orlando Bloom

legolas

Ok, you got me, I can at least imagine Bloom as a sex symbol. While searching for pictures, I came across tons of shirtless pictures of him posturing for the camera, and while I didn’t exactly get wood, he’s not exactly ugly, especially when compared to the mess mentioned above him.

At least Japanese people know his name.

Bloom has showered the covers of the various movie and entertainment magazines in Japan for some time. He’s immensely popular. If you look at a year’s worth of movie mags from Japan, he’ll probably be on the cover of about half of them (It’s a constant Bloom to Depp rotation).

He’s also a fucking plank of wood.

There aren’t many actors who can bring a movie to a blank, useless black hole of nothingness.  His vanilla ability to defuse the screen nearly sucked down the immensely fun and silly Pirates movies, even with Johnny Depp lighting things up like a Depp on steroids.

Even as an elf in the Hobbit movies,  he only just managed to pull of a role as a disengaged and distant, mostly emotionless elf, because he’s totally disengaged, distant, and obviously unable to display any form of emotion on the screen.

To save money, they actually could have put a blonde wig on a 2×4.

My students love this guy. Depp gets some good props in Japan and hits the mags too, and he’s obviously won most of the world’s hearts too, but from student opinions and recognition, elf-plank triumphs.

That’s two elves…

What could possibly be next?

Michael Jackson

creepy_jackson

May I present the King of Elves?

He’s dead now, so he probably won’t be haunting any Japanese airports anytime soon, but in these final years, Japan was one of the last places where he could seek comfortable refuge among hordes of adoring fans.

His best hits album, recently released here, was picked up by a ton of folks I know. I hadn’t even known there was a release (and I don’t think there was one in America).

Japan’s the one place where as he got weirder, more elfin, more childlike, and less black, they seemed to embrace him even more.

When he died, Japan was one of the places hit hardest.

His childlike demeanor and life living in an amusement park seemed to endear him more to the people of Japan. Unlike America, they could mostly overlook that whole “diddling kids” stuff.

We’re three for three on elves.

Apparently, Japan loves the elf-men.

I gotta ask, what do you have against actual men?

When I first met my girlfriend, she didn’t immediately like me. She said it was because I was too manly and strong. Eventually, I guess she warmed up to me, as it’s now been a few years and she seems to like guys that can grow beards and can fill out a tee-shirt without looking like a bag of bones.

Honestly, what’s with fay men that could pass for women or aliens? I’ve had women go on for ages about how Brad Pitt wasn’t all that attractive to them here, but Harry Potter lights up their eternal flames of desire?

It’s just weird…

…and that’s Japan.

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6 responses to “Weird Stuff Japan Loves (Volume One: Celebrity Edition)

  1. Well…..Brad Pitt and “Harry Potter” aren’t attractive..but OMG Johnny Depp. He oozes awesome. I’ve had quite a few guy friends admit that if they were gay, he’s who they’d go for. Michael Jackson was extremely talented..but never really attractive…obviously. The black Michael was okay though. I hate to say it but Japan’s obsession with M.J. doesn’t really count. They seem to looooove the weird shit, right? OF COURSE they’re into Michael more than the average bear…OF COURSE.

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  4. omg!!! i loved that pic of legolas…hes my fav person from lord of the rings..not tryin to be a hater and all but i kinda disagree with what u said he looked like a mess in the pic

  5. To be honest, I think Daniel Radcliff and Michael Jackson aren’t the prettiest. But i definitely think Orlando Bloom set a new high on the sexy meter while playing the role of Legolas in The Lord Of The Rings. I mean, come on! The blonde hair, the pointy ears, the strong defined jawbone. Now THAT is sexy.

  6. Chickenwrangler

    Harry Potter is uglier than the shit I took half an hour ago. Michael Jackson is a zit faced troll, and Orlando Bloom has one facial expression : I just shat myself. Huh. He is handsome when he smiles. But other than that his face has rigor mortis.

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